Shedding blood as ink

Febulously Fresh

2012-02-01T10:00:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

This morning I woke up to Darkness lingering outside my frosty windows and was tempted to slip back into it.

It is February, still a very cold month in many countries, it appears. Mayhaps the predictions about the end of the world is not too far-fetched, since the weather patterns are a-changing, and natural disasters are taking the earth by storm.

If the world is truly dying slowly, I would just spend all my monies on vacations around the globe, absorbing every bit of culture and the beauty of the foreign lands, admiring all the art-forms, and trying out every adventure and cuisine available. I would write a journal on it - who knows, a few centuries some future archaeologists may dig it up and discover what Earth used to be like, during this period.

I love the Spring Equinox. There was massive clearance of things I no longer needed, or felt the need to keep. I also rearranged alot of things in my room; I'd read in a Wiccan book before that it is always good to re-position objects in a certain environment regularly, to allow a good flow of energy. This part was the hard work, both physically and emotionally - physically, because of the need to shift the items around and double-confirm everything I was discarding; emotionally, because as I went through the keepsakes I was re-discovering parts of myself that I'd forgotten about. But I definitely felt alot better after the entire fiasco - dust to dust, ashes to ashes, as I toss ye to the fires, burn ye with the pains of the past...

There were visits to the homes of families, friends and clients, where I enjoyed great food and cookies and catching up over games of Blackjack. There was a mini tour conducted for relatives from abroad who were visiting. There were shopping and meeting of friends and I'd started another novel in this short week. I am excited, and eager to finish it soon, alongside the other two novels I am working on.

There are dinners and trips coming up, something to look forward to now that the festivities have cleared.

I bought a book today, since the author himself, Tony Gordon, was in town. I thought his book was very easy to read, and inspirational, and it was an autographed copy, anyway. I bought it in the hope of doing better in my business, but also, for a clearer understanding of the insurance sales industry in the U.K. since two of my novels evolve around that. It was almost like a sign from my Deites, since I do not know any insurance sales personnel in the U.K. personally.

The rate that time is flying by is scary. I wish I had more of it, or that I could rewind back to the periods I have chosen the wrong paths to wander. But alas, everything could be cheated - the law, death, love, games, money.... but we can never cheat TIME. I wish I could, but it always outsmarts me; it cheats me instead.

Come back soon, even though I need to pen off now.

Kisses, and flying kisses...
----<----((@

Foraging into 2012

2012-01-01T12:16:00.001-08:00

Dear Diary

If I'd ever felt weird landing into the strange hands of a new month, now I feel completely surreal having crossed into 2012. Basically, it means, I am a year older, there will be new challenges ahead, and I need to remember to write my dates correctly.

I am unsure if the Mayan calendars ending at 2012 signifies the end of the world, or because they simply could not foresee that far beyond their time, and decide to stop creating days that they believe could not exist. Live life to the fullest, as though today were the last. Good deeds to be done, revenge to be sought, and dreams to be attained, leave no regrets.

Christmas gifts were precious - a Blackberry Torch phone, a book on Marie Antoinette, a Braun Buffel limited edition maroon wristlet, an assortment of earrings, perfumes from Elizabeth Arden, skincare products and expensive chocolates. Thank you dearies, I cherish them all.

I was debating to spend New Year's Eve clubbing, welcoming 2012 with a blast, or to spend a quiet New Year's Eve with family, silently entering the realms of a brand new year with the steps of a slow dance. I chose the latter, spending it with mon beau's good-looking family having a cosy meal and sharing 3 bottles of red wines with two other men (started with Pinot Noir, then Shiraz, and ending with Cabernet Sauvignon as a nightcap). Fun, but without the annoying jostle and touches of weird, sticky strangers in noisy clubs.

Oh, I just enjoy red wine very much. While I could get pleasantly buzzed from red wine overdose at night, I realize that one can't get hangovers from reds, no matter the amount consumed. Unlike hard liquors or beers, in which the "high" obtained may be fun in the night, feeling mellow and worries-free after consumption, makes me want to die when morning comes. Send me a crate of reds, someone?

Now that the year has ended, what do I Appreciate about 2011?
(i)     hitting my targets despite the lack of efforts at work this year
(ii)     visiting most of the restaurants that crossed my mind at some point in time
(iii)    the vacations both with mon beau and with friends
(iv)    character reform (albeit a mini one - at rediscovery, and at rebuilding)
(v)     new friends
(vi)    the promotion (double - one sanctioned, one attained. Complicated, don't ask)
(vii)    getting started on writing my novels- now waiting for me with pages wide open

What I yearn for in 2012?
(i) more vacations
(ii) more hard work
(iii) going back to Yoga and starting on French courses
(iv) more focal on my religion (Paganism at that) including being more environmental-friendly
(v) completion of my novels and sending them for publication hunts
(vi) successful liaison with companies so I may venture into the general insurance markets
(vii) more friends and acquaintances gained

Well, thanks for roving the words on this page- I'd do a page revamp soon so that the html and graphics are better. In the meantime, may you have a happy 2012 New Year, with mysteries unraveling like a lover undressing themselves. Ending the night with kisses and hugs.

---<----(@)

On the Last month of 2011

2011-12-12T09:16:00.001-08:00

Dear Diary

The final month of the year has finally stolen me out of November’s hands and December greeted me with bouts of fever, nose-bleeds, and the flu. With the Wet Christmas and year-end sales target to worry about, I cannot feel the excitement for the upcoming Yuletide festivities. Where are you Christmas?

Worry not, it does not mean that I won’t set aside time for catching up with the various groups of friends for Christmas dinners, and Christmas shopping. I love giving presents, love the Christmas food and even some carols. Sometimes I do think back on past Christmases spent with friends - the crowded countdown parties, the quieter red wine nights, the elegant Christmas dinners etc.

Black dress with elegant, heavy-threaded stitched collar and high neck

Unresolved mysteries have left me seeking for answers on a daily basis, wondering when another chance encounter would come by? The world is small (made even smaller by technology), but it is extremely huge when you are searching for nameless objects or persons. I may have a shot in January, but come what may.

I also realize that I have just about the best job that I haven’t learned to cherish or work hard enough for. Sure enough, the promotion came too easily for me. Sure enough, I live by comfortably enough by putting in just enough efforts to keep the boat floating, But what was offered me was more. Some living examples around me have shown me thus. How rewards are reaped by harder work – I do not mind the hours do I? Besides the occasional trips, afternoon teas and malls crawls, I do love doing what I am supposed to do for this job. I don’t have to worry about being overlooked for the next ladder climb because of rumors or a little taint on the punctuality records. I do not have to worry about time management or following a rigid schedule. I do not have to worry about being contained in an office for eight hours trying to flirt with the computers.

Cream and lace dress with a black-and-cream back with gold zip

A darker realization has hit me as well. The realization that marks a certain beginning with an end….like how you see two shades of different liquid in a bottle, and shake it so it becomes homogenous? The separation of the beginning stages and the end stages are interlinked, combined into one. Whilst timidly seeking wisdom and experience was the name of the Game, it now becomes mere surface attraction. The stakes are different of course, too. The way I am feeling now? Its like all the mixed emotions are akin to snowflakes swirling around a giant glass ball.

Well, thats the end for the year end updates. I wish all of you a very Merry Christmas, enjoy the holiday season, and have a blast this coming 2012 New Year. Kisses to go along with the countdown, whether you are intending to party like crazy, attend some elegant balls, or just enjoy a quiet time with family and friends....smooches...xoxoxo

Nove-l

2011-11-03T09:18:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary

Another ten months of Time's slideshows have passed by, leaving me in the strange hands of November. I dont want the rain, I want the flakes.

And I want to make the most out of this month. Samhain (aka Halloween has barely passed and I'm already in the mood for Winter Solstice (Christmas). My feet cant wait to walk the malls, my eyes cant wait to spot good presents, my hands cant wait to touch fabrics for my gowns, and my lips cant wait to whistle to carols. Its all about the senses.

Passed an exam that should increase my sales portfolio. I didnt need to study much for it - even though I'd been a little fearful after hearing some colleagues mention failing them numerous times. Made some plans for vacations. Started on my writings again.

Made some dates with some of my favoritest girlfriends for catching up - I'm blessed to have you guys. I mean, I love the male friends I have - for a more practical insight into problems, for being there, making me laugh, for your support and brains. But equally I love love love my female friends for the gossips, shopping and catching up sessions, sharing what only we could and would, having fun and solving problems together. You are my gems.

A little bit of spiritual breakthrough. Not going to go into details here, aint even sure if I'm one step closer to heaven, but by all means, put my name down on the waiting list. Still keen to know what I was in a previous life, though. Dr. Goldsberg, why have you stopped doing PL meditations for people?

Been meeting weird people in my line of work. Granted, some of them eventually became friends or acquaintances, but some of them just strike the wrong chords in me. I can very nice, so nice you can take advantage of my niceties, but I can be very nasty too....and I no longer care about what others think of me, because quote, "Character is important because its what you are but reputation is only what others think you are".

Respect is a very important element everyone needs to learn. Respecting of others' privacy and personal space. Respecting of others' characters and behaviors (ok, this takes a little of the Psychology training I've underwent but never truly put into use). Respecting of others' jobs, races, religions, academic qualifications etc. Respecting of others' social circles - who has the right to criticize if someone is the right company or "quality friends"? I must've stuck with them for a reason, right? Even if you dont like who I'm hanging out with and cant accept them, you should at least accord me the respect not to belittle them in my presence.

And sharing a little of my Top Ten likes and dislikes. Oh well, it doesnt have to be your concern, sweethearts, just take it that I'm doing some self-reviews and comparing the list made a year back.

Likes:
(i) French (the language, I'm taking it next year. The food - every single bit of it. The culture. The history- think Queen Mary Stuart and Marie Antoinette. The arts. The music)

(ii) Wine (red or ice)

(iii) Christian Dior (bags, accessories, cosmetics)

(iv) chocolates (dark, or those with raisins or cherries within their wombs)

(v) Blackberry (I'm this diehard supporter who just wont support any i-phone, pad, pod or otherwise)

(vi) Escapism (movies, books, music - all welcome)

(vii) animals (sometimes I love them more than humans - at least their intentions are purer)

(viii) Power - power suits, power in management, power in driven persons - fucking sexy. Including intellectual conversations- doesnt matter if we can hold quality debates or if I may sound like the interested party absorbing something I can't relate to.

(xi) old-fashioned trinkets like musical boxes, pocket watches, gramophones, old-fashioned antique phones etc

(x) vacations (especially the kinds where I get to infiltrate into the culture, learn and absorb it like the locals do)

Dislikes
(i) impudence (hate it, hate it, especially when it comes from people I already dislike. Simple things like not knowing when to say thank you or sorry, constantly on the phone messenger when out, interrupting my speech etc )

(ii) Whiners ( not just those who complain about everything, but also those who complain about others' flaws and commit the same mistakes- helloooooo, self-reflections!)

(iii) Broken promises - if you cannot fulfill it, dont give birth to a promise, please.

(iv) Noise - I am very sensitive to it

(v) Unfairness - biasness or accusations all fall under this category

(vi) tight spaces - I'm seriously claustrophobic

(vii) Abusers- of animals or humans. I'd do a voodoo doll against you anytime, or poison your drinks. Watch me.

(viii) Odors - how could someone not know it when they have bad breath or smell of sweat?

(xi) Dirt (yeah, I'm somewhat rupophobic)

(x) Being controlled - I do things at my pace and style - take it or leave it. You can't even try to influence the way I feel about someone, I prefer to form my own judgments, thank you. Don't try to be demanding towards me, I set my limits for a good reason.

Well, thats about it, sweethearts. Thanks for reading this. Stay tuned. Sending you off to the next page with kisses and hugs.
---<----(@

Fall's Entry

2011-10-03T07:18:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

It is the final month of the Autumn solistices... October.

Fear grips my heart, realizing that the end of the year is drawing near. I need to get ahead soon, and work doubly hard. I need a strong mind, some luck, ardent support and every waking minute to achieve what I have in mind. I need the fires to spear me on, and the stars to shine down on me.

Stupidity has caused me to lose out on a business deal. The light only dawned on me today, that I could've gone by the back door. But I discovered it too late. Nonetheless, spilled milk is not to be wept over, we could always make another bottle.

electric blue vinyl dress with spaghetti-straps

Elegant black dress with unique low neckline

I am looking forward to another trip starting this weekend. It will be a trip filled with nice food, spa sessions and shopping; a place I have never been to before, waiting for me to explore. Best of all, I will be visiting my best friend in the world - it would be such a joy to be with her again. I am bringing with me a close friend so we would have so much fun. I should be leaving my packing of the luggage to the night before my flight.

I just hope that my cough recovers in time so I could have a better time.

People in general are so complicated. The more I learn about them, not only do they get less interesting, but they may unravel sides to them that we do not expect. Sometimes, you know not who to trust anymore.

And sometimes, people blame everything and everyone else when things do not go their way. It just does not dawn on them that they may need to do some serious reflections and rationalization, to make improvements so as to come to terms with Reality. Not my place to say anything, so I shall just leave it.

Oktoberfest is approaching soon - beer and bustwrusts! Samhain is approaching at the end of the month, too. Happy seasons to all out there, sent with much kisses and love

-----<----!@

In-SEP-tion

2011-09-06T05:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary

Long due, indeed, this entry of mine.

I know not what to update... September is due to be a month of hard work - I have four months, no, I think less, to achieve what I need to. The usual afternoon high teas and reading-in-cafes sessions need to make way of laborious days chatting with strangers.

The question of being bestowed with a title is yet to be known for certain.

Lately, the tale of Mary Queen of Scots has been keeping me company on long journeys and late nights.

Enthralled by the tale of Anne Boleyn, I have gone on to read more about the other queens.

The tale of Mary Queen of Scots has me hooked to the bait like a greedy, hungry fish. I cannot help but find myself being irresistibly drawn by the grandeur of lives in court, by the honour of lords and knights, by the simple lives of nothing but lute lullabies, horse-riding and thirty-two dinners. The beauty of the unity of a single faith, of languages uttered in poetic forms, and preservation of cultures.

Most of all, I love the beautiful queen's free spirits, seductive sensuality, and the courage to fight for what she believed in. It is not hard to feel for her - the fears and joys and sorrows throughout the period she was imprisoned and abused. One always prayed for freedom and sanction for her.

Many a time, it makes me yearn to be cast back in time, in a life of such - devoid of the odd, complex world I am in. It has moved too fast-paced, ahead of me, i feel like a bookmark getting stuck on an unturned page.
The grass always seems greener on the other side. Whose tale shall I lose myself in, now?

And escapism through words or songs, is truly beauteous, meaningful and blissful. It is unlike losing oneself in binges or alcoholic mellowness; losing myself in words and songs has the true effects of transporting me to worlds beyond my knowledge or imagination.

Its almost like nirvana - doses of LSD with more engagement.

You wont understand my stigma. None could.

and now, I leave you in the cold hands of the night, lost in the wispy trails of smoky dreams..... kisses

The Return of Augustus (Edit)

2011-08-09T10:47:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

The night is still young but I can feel the call of the Dream God, beckoning me into his arms. However, my mind is too active, and refuses to be taken in by the lure of sweet dreams easily.

I should be heading to pen a few pages for my novels later on, but now, I should extend a warm welcome to August, shouldnt I?

August - the month three of my closest girlfriends have their birthdays - stay gorgeous and happy, *Charliez, *Priscilla and *Nikki. You know my love's with you, always.

August - the month I'm still continuing my Vegan diet. You should really watch this video, on the cruelty of treatment to animals. Perhaps, this shall strengthen my love for Nature and my bond with my Pagan faith? I just think that animals shouldnt be ill-treated or tortured just so human beings get to enjoy their body parts, and I really hate it that these innocent, innocuous and adorable lifeforms are being hurt.

Oh, you don't know this side of me - Im aloof and cold, often; even cruel, but I have very soft spots for animals. To me, I'd rather see evil human beings get tortured and sacrificed than these harmless animals whose only faults in life's probably the inability to defend themselves.

I wish I could inject more emotions and personal updates onto this Blog of mine, but someone please tell me, what to write on?

Guilt? Two incidents made me realize that people have strange and rather cowardly ways of showing their guilt, unwittingly. Besides the usual suspects who often loudly exclaim or overly-discuss crimes or faults committed by other potential suspects, I've learned that silent consent is a new form of guilt admittance, as well. I should've acquired knowledge of it back when I studied Law, but I guess its not one of those things you practice enough to remember on a daily basis.

Culprit A did something to cause embarrassment and hurt to me, thus burning all bridges of all possible platonic or professional friendships...there was no explanation or apologies offered, but his silent acceptance of being removed from my linked sites and keeping a distance at a recent "bumped-into" event suffice to tell me that he has silently acknowledged his mistake and is too ashamed to come forward to even say "hi". Culprit B had the audacity to dump a boxload of used tissues and other trash on my new office desk. When I tossed the box back onto her desk, and took the liberty of tossing a couple of her table-dressings into the box, she acquisced to her wrongdoing in silence and dared not make demands to find out who'd returned the disgusting box to her.

Its really funny, how people cannot simply apologize and make things right. An issue of pride, which cannot even feed our tummies or fulfill our desires? Or simply cowardice, the reluctance to face the painful music by their consequences? To begin with, more thoughts before actions could've prevented these stupid situations that warrant recovery or solutions.

I cant say that I'm fault-proof, but I am good at gathering enough evidence to support everything I do or say. I am not afraid to apologize for my mishaps, as well.

That said, I guess 'tis enough for now, another side revealed. I actually wonder if I have some form of sober multiple-personality-disorders or is it just versatility at play.

Well, five more months to work really hard before serious play.

Kisses for the next thirty days before I see you again. Bon nuit!

EDIT

Oddly, the other night I dreamed of Dionysus. The thing was that, I didnt even know who he was, at least not consciously. So i went to Yahoo him, and found out that he was the God of Wine, Theater and Ecstasy, three of my favorite things. What sign am I getting here, I wonder?

My eldest Aunt recently passed on - a coma took over and stealthily stole her last breath. I am saddened, because she used to take care of our family when we were younger; and it is very surreal that at the next festivities, I would not be seeing her again. I hope the Deities watch over her, protect her soul and bless her. Life is so fragile...

Independent July

2011-07-02T10:40:00.001-07:00

Happy July 4th! Its Independence we seek, and its what we shall get!

I dont know how July will fare, but I would love for pictures, lyrics and my own Quotes to tell my story for this month.... I feel like revamping myself - my life is becoming a la the Case of Benjamin Button, at times...

hasta la vista, kisses.

My Quotes

#1: My hatred for you would drive me to work harder than I've ever before- it may be the wrong source of motivation, but perhaps I would need to thank you instead... when results are shown...

#2: "The law is reason free from passion" ..... and we, human beings, are passion free from reasons....more often than not...

#3: Unsatiated wants eventually become Needs...

I have been working really hard this month, and onwards. I'd nearly forgotten how wonderful and sextifying it is, to work really hard, and reap the results of seeds sown. Some shopping done as well...

Mid-year Tales

2011-06-11T12:02:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I couldnt believe that June has arrived and is knocking on the door. Shall I open it? Too late, its already sitting in the foyer!

Social-wise, there are the usual drinks, dinners and dances with my beloved friends. A good male friend of mine shall tie the knot in a week's time, so yes, the journey of attending weddings and baby christening ceremonies still prevail. I may be a step closer to enjoying the novel-perfect parties soon.

Work-wise, good news and mediocre news have formed themselves into a circle around me, so while there's smiles and sweat, there's also some significant changes in the schedules. I had a dream about publishing my books finally; and I for one, absolutely cannot wait.

Spiritual-wise, its all troughs and peaks. Sadly, the Tarot readings werent accurate - did I read them wrongly, or was the deck contaminated by the energy of another Toucher?

Otherwise, a trip abroad was cancelled, leaving me more time to work on my career, shopping (its the Sale season) and personal projects that are never-ending. There would be visits to touristy spots, as well. A yacht or cruise trip would just about make it perfect.... I am still immersed in the British and French cultures currently (the former being the results of mutual contacts and research for my books).

My male-sized Ego took a beating as well. Never in my entire life had I seen treatment this way, but I had brought it upon myself for not verifying properly. I guess I didnt expect a friend - or mutual friend - to do something this vile. That this person would disregard and disrespect my very clear message of disinterest (professionally-speaking) at this point in time. That this person would take the liberty of arranging a meeting without the basic courtesy to inform of a guest. Besides the initial shock which I was sure my mask hid, and the word-war laced with a tinge of defensiveness (which, if circumstances had been different, I might've been more open about things), I guess I handled the situation pretty well.

The blow was so low, though, that I knew at that point in time, that all bridges for friendship ties or even a joint-venture would be severed. I guess I never want to see that person ever again. Call me egoistic, I just found it utterly insulting. It makes this person no different from the MLM-salesmen who made use of my appointment to present their products, and it is no different from what I did years back, thus losing many friends along the way. Pardon my French, but fuck you, really.

In other news, stay tuned. I shall take my glass of Wine, mayhaps some meditation, and head into Morpheus' arms (oh, Morpheus, by the by - is the God of Dreams, just in case anyone doesnt follow the mythologies). Adieu, with lots of kisses and hugs.

Beltane Month

2011-05-05T06:30:00.001-07:00

Dear Diary

after mellow pursuits of my arts - some fashion designs competition, some company logo competition, some writings so I can get published soon (hopefully) and a little political research for our upcoming Election, I have bene enjoying an average of 4 hours on a nightly basis.

Yes, the Beltane month is probably the best month to sow and plant my inspirations into full-fledged works rather than games of my passionate interests (which are, by the way, wide and varied).

Mon beau and I celebrated our Fifth Year anniversary at some suites hotel that made me race-conscious. No offense to anyone, but hell yeah, I have never felt foreign-er in a foreign land! But then, the gift, wine (cabernet Sauvignon is slowly replacing my love for Merlot) and the weekend together made up for the "stranded in an odd land" feeling.

These few months I have been enjoying too much drinks and cuisine at restaurants and bars I have always yearned to go, but did not have the chance.

The Election is upcoming, and I have a pretty good idea who I am going to vote for. If I have the time I would love to be a volunteer - they actually sent me an invite to do so! (UPDATES: the Great Election is over and results were somewhat disappointing.)

But I am splitting my time between work - yes, it is time to start getting busy again after four months of enjoyment and star gazing - the trade shows and telemarketers are back, and my focal has to be strong. For the daytime, at least. I love high teas, lounging over wines and shopping in the afternoons too much, but money aint coming in this way unless I marry a tycoon.

I will continue my spiritual paths and servitude towards Those who have blessed me and watched over me. It bothered me that I could no longer recall my dreams vividly the moment I wake up. Every detail used to be crystal clear, even throughout the day. I need my dreams because usually, they mean something.

My writings shall be continued in the night, after my day-job. Lots of vitamins, water and energy to sustain. Strange how once you find your passion, you do not feel tired even if you have to lead a sleepless lifestyle.

More updates to be had. In the meantime, I sign off - kisses and roses and some favorites recent phrases of mine

Moon's gentler bosoms rest the earth, senseless pleasure taken under oath, bloody-Marys metallic kisses - in Me
Gentle sun's arms embracing the earth, heinous pleasures taken under wrath, full-bodied Bordeaux kisses - in You.

unsatiated wants eventually become Needs...

Title: April's Wishing Well

2011-04-07T04:10:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary

It is my month - the month of Fire, diamonds and well, hopefully, fulfilled desires.

I cannot foresee the upcoming weeks and what they may entail, but I know I will be a bee again, after all this long breaks and vacations.

Giftswise, there were Christian Dior, Givenchy, Lancome, Chanel, Calvin Klein, Swaroskvi, Vichy and more to come. I love you my friends and family- thank you for remembering.

I went for a lovely holiday (note: no raw seafood and snow mountains no thanks to quakes, tsunamis and nuclear infection; and no shopping or tea sipping in mountain tea huts) at a beach resort. It was generally enjoyable - late nights, candlelit rooms, lazing by the poolside or beachfront reading books or magazines, getting a healthy tan, pampered by massages and spas, eating seafood at stilted restaurants, ordering room service, and you'll never guess what - I learned how to swim. Yes, the latter, which has been the bane of my existence, and after running through two coaches, I have more or less given up any possible affairs with the waters. Mon beau has taught me how to swim - without having to duck my entire head underwater, and I had so much fun I was reluctant to leave the pool.

I do miss the quietness of the place, the slow pace of life, and watching sunlight reflections on the seas that made them look like diamonds afloat the blue waters. Beauteous.

More book ideas. Less time. More fun for me, though.

I love Escapism with a passion. With it, there is no need for me to reside amongst the pains of everyday's reality, there is no need to face the things we covet but could never attain, no need to worry about the troubles we face. With it, we can be anyone we want to be, do anything we yearn to do, even, be anyone we wish we could be, living the ideal life we wish we were bestowed.

Escapism can be in the form of losing ourselves in movies, novels, or our own writings, it may also come in the form of strong imagination. I actually have a Blog for my muses, these seemingly hidden alter egos that I escape into. Far away from this world...

Some people would always wonder, whats so bad about reality? Why can we not count our blessings?

I do, really I do count them. Just that, it doesnt hurt to want more.

The night unfolds,
Robbing my mind of sane thresholds,
And the Angel stepped -
Was it the Demon who'd tripped? -
Upon my dreams so dark,
Never to be woken by the larks.

Smiles upon closed lips,
Dusts of dreams upon shut lids;
Somewhere in the map of my heart,
I drew upon fiery hearths
Somewhere, reachable within my grasp,
Dissolving into coldness, as frost.

The white-clad ballerinas dancing the dream
Slip and fall from the beams
Of light, From grace, like angels from Sins
Upon the stage of dreams that burn,
Bringing pains of fiery icyness; or icy hotness,
Me wishing to be woken from this mess.

----<-----(@

MARCH-ing On..., 2011

2011-03-03T00:54:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary

Time has sharpened its blade and sliced off a quarter of an entire year.

The past few months have been cruelly cold; I've forgotten that I could still sweat. Till this morning when the sun was coming on strong and left me in glistening sweat during a semi-long walk to my destination.I'd deem this a "sun bath", one I would always remember in the face of colder climates.

Because of the festivities, I have been indulging in a variety of good food - French, Spanish, Chinese, seafood, etc. I love foie gras and chicken pate, but learning of the cruelty imposed upon the poor birds to obtain their intestines for fine food, has prevented me from touching them for a long while. It is also time these sumptuous meals are laid to rest and I open up the lids of my diet protein meal replacements. I should review my Yoga membership as well.

Because of the holidays, I have been having a lot of fun, losing myself in my writings, movies, and other people's writings. Lots of crime stories and shows in order. I must admit - reading too much spy novels could really get one paranoid about being tailed (but in reality I have been tailed a few times indeed) and paranoid if someone talking to you is an undercover or sleuth. Interesting. But still, lying in the strong, warm arms of Escapism and allowing complete seduction, has become a way of life too luxurious, simply losing oneself in a life that does not belong to us. You can be anyone, meet everyone, play any role, get lost anywhere. 'Tis orgasmic and darkly sinful.

I will be travelling again - just unsure if it would be to a place I might shop and feast on raw seafood or a place I might shop and enjoy small teahouses in the hilltops. Both entice me, I need getaways. Mind-blowing sex amidst mindless days that one awakes to azure skies and an air that does not smell remotely familiar.

To end this off, I shall talk about recent episodes I had with holistic healers and so-called modern-day witch doctors... It is notably sad that lately, every profession's foci is on profits, revenues and income. In this pragmatic world we thrive in, is there no escape to placing the dollar sign for every tangible or intangible service rendered? Granted, they need the money to survive; but if, like doctors who care more about billing than their patients' true well-beings, then I classify them in categories not higher than your average mall retailer or street salespeople. Worse, there are people who use the name of the Deities to concoct scams and hoaxes - it makes me wonder if they have no fear of retribution by the higher entities?

I end my entry with that question hanging in the dense, cold air of today. Moonshine, Merlor and Martinis are in order

Serene night cascading over languid dark clouds
Soulful gazes exchanged between the stars caught amidst

There is no room for the Moon to wander
No heights for the Thunder to blow its top

Gentle winds twirl the leaves into merry dancing
As the rain hides behind the boughs holding back tears

‘Tis beauteous, celestial betrayal of a virginal day,
Drunken, on the fires of Winter’s cruellest breaths.

The entire scene makes no sense to my half-closed eyes
Staring through the porch-perched glass of deep red wine

------<-----(@

Imbolc, February

2011-02-01T11:01:00.001-08:00

Dear Diary

time has moved on again, without looking back to see if I was keeping pace faithfully. I could not complain. January has been a month of fun, relaxation and self-improvement. It took a toll on my work. Especially with the writing I have been back on track for. Would I still care so much if 2012 were really the End?

I have been working on building a little more Religions faith. I have a research essay for it, which I shall give myself a long deadline, a la thesis. I have been working on my novel again. Reading through it again, I am once more submerged in the world I have created. I want to immerse myself in it every second of the day - it is like an addiction. Even when I am in the office, my mind and heart belong to my story. I want to keep writing it, keep working on the characters' actions and conversations. I want to be with them; be part of them.

I know I need to pull out of this before it eats me up.

It is one of those times I want to just hide away in some lovely countryside or deserted island and do nothing but escape into my own fantasy world, writing, creating. Ahhh... the beauty of escapism.

I have also been doing some tidying and reorganizing of my room. There was so much stuff I ruthlessly threw away to make space for new purchases. There were a lot of keepsakes and memoirs that I could not bear to discard, though. I may be heartless most of the times, but the amount of keepsakes I have kept thus far, looking back at the memories they evoke - has made me realize the sentimental side of me as well. Some handwritten letters, some awards won all the way from middle school, some gift tokens. I feel like throwing away some of these means throwing a part of myself away.

I have close to a hundred books - non-fiction and novels. I have close to one hundred and fifty outfits and growing - mostly dresses. There are so many pieces of clothings I do not even recall owning. I am sure I will wear some of them again. The rest will all go to a charity organization. Which reminds me, too, that I have not been working on my fashion portfolio.

If only time were a standstill...

Anyway, heaven has been weeping alot lately, sending its precious tears to earth in torrents. I have bathed in it. Perhaps you should give it a try too.

Happy Imbolc / Candlemas / St. Brigit's Day. It is a day when blessings are cast and candles are lit.

I have included some rather interesting quotes I have posted .... and I thnk they are rather brilliant and poetic. I shall end my entry here with passion. Kisses to you, eyes on my blog!

"I set the sail, the captainness waiting to take on the storms at sea- but unlike the Flying Dutchman, who never docked, I intend to anchor a harbor that contains my dreams - bringing not death to all those sighted, but, help and blessings..."

"beautiful lies, ugly truths - yet somehow, they form the perfect match made in heaven; partners in most crimes of passion...

"'Tis truly loathsome - when promises are made and broken - as though they are weightless as ashes, fragile as glass and worthless as dust..."

January 2011, Hail

2011-01-18T07:43:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary

henceforth marks the very first entry for 2011. I do not know how it would pan out, but I hope that all would be better than 2010.

Through various religions masters - or practitioners - I have learned much about the direct or indirect thoughtforms and actions that affect our lives in certain manners. I hope to put my newfound knowledge to good use and seeing more positive returns.

The festive mood needs to pass. I need to start working - and hard. The trophy I just received during the recent incentive trip might be a good motivator to reach higher mountains. Yes, I just returned from overseas; still dazed by the beauty and grandeurs of the place, and still feeling the cold against my skin..... I wish I could have a longer vacation.

5 dresses to kick start the New Year - two of which are gifts.

black Mango knit dress with half-sleeves. Gift by *Charliez. My new traveling dress.

pink and gray tube dress

black ruffled dress

psychedelic patterned dress

black and coral red dress that looks like a vested suit

black ruffled mock-bandaged Chiffon dress with silver studs

red deep-v neck short dress with roles of black sequined studs

I am going to publish a mini "About Me" section and reviewing it next year to see if anything differs.

Name: E
Gender: female
Star sign: Aries
Religion: Paganism
Occupation: Financial Services
Educational background: Mass Comm. Psychology. Law.
Hobbies: reading, writing, singing, yoga, bowling, movies, shopping, chilling out etc
Favorite authors: depending on genre. Usually true crimes, religions, mysteries and poetry. And Oscar Wilde
Favorite singers: depending on genre again. New Age - Enya, Sarah Brightman, Secret Garden, Vangelis, ERA and Gregorian. Others - Alanis Morisette, Def Leppard, Scorpions, Marc Anthony etc
Favorite actors: Paul Bettany. Marilyn Monroe.
Favorite food: French, Italian, desserts and my mother's cooking
Favorite Fruits: berries and peaches
Favorite drinks: red wine, gin tonic, daiquiri, chocolate
Favorite animals: polar bears, dolphins and cats
Favorite color: Black and silver
Favorite flower: black or champagne roses. Tulips.
If there was one person you could connect with totally? Marilyn Monroe. Or Oscar Wilde.
If there was one thing you could do everyday and still love it? Escapism. Or arts.
Things you cannot stand? People who Do not keep promises. Unhygienic people. Unjustice. Cruelty to animals.
You believe that... everyone has 2 sides to them. Learn to see both. Also, Karma exists.
Regrets? Many.
Personality? versatile; multi-faceted
and the list goes on...

FInal Entry for 2010 (belated)

2011-01-02T23:19:00.001-08:00

Dear Diary

It is time for one of those long, sensational and sentimental final entries of the year. Only this came three days late.

It is also time to re-read the journal entries made for the year, burn the calendars and memories if 2010 was bad, or offer thanks if 2010 had been a blessing. The usual boring script goes..."Yes, I think 2010 was all right, with its ups and downs. I hope 2011 would be a better year, though."

I would like to do it just a little differently, this year. Looking back, 2010 indeed had its peaks and troughs for me, but I have also experienced some miracles by my beloved Deities, whom I will continue to invite to bless my life in 2011. There were victories on the job, new friends gained, deeper pockets dug, spiritual growth, a visit from my best pal in the world Feith, and a little flirtation with testing the limits of my relationship. I have grown calmer, and I would think , alot kinder - in the face of adversaries. Oh, my lucky foes.

There was little travelling done. Except for those trips taken nearby my current city - usually 3 days, 2 nights' affairs. There will be more trips come 2011, but most of the "where" still remains an enigma. For the most part of 2010, I have been rather "touristy" in my own land, visiting places of attraction - well, on a brighter note there were indeed two newly established, visit-worthy locations that were born in 2010 itself. I have also stumbled upon 2 products - Lancome's Genefique (youth activator) and SKIN DOCTORs' antarctilyne plump - which managed to improve my skin much effectively than my pricey (think, ten times the price of the above 2 products mentioned) beauty parlor treatment packages. And also, the wonderful discovery of some mineral Make-up primer (brand: Bellapierre) that gives my skin the smooth after-moisturizer feel texture that I have always wanted. Ok, blessings, blessings.

The downside of 2010?

I could have handled some cases better - hence I regard them as expensive lessons learnt. I did not have time to meet up with many beloved friends as I would have wanted to. With deeper pockets came larger expenses and operating costs. My health was not as stellar as it has always been - my eyes, the flu, even a case of breathlessness while in the car (and this was cause for concern). I also gained weight. And there is that massive mess that I have yet to shake off.

Overall, though, I would think the scales were tipped in my favor.

HATRED. This is a part of me I am slowly dissolving, learning to give more love to everyone around me. There were so much I hated and begrudged, and with hatred came the great desire to inflict great harm. Plotting revenge was, for a period of unhealthy years, a favorite game of mine to play, to watch the enemy suffer, to cause them pain and bask in that moment of glory. It was even easy, to instantly come up with plots should my path be crossed unpleasantly.

At the end of it all what I got was fifteen minutes of fame and tainting my own aura with darkness. I no longer want that. I have learned to reserve my dark talent for the deadlier foes - which, by walking the path of love, I seemed to encounter lesser and lesser of such dark foes. I am tired, perhaps, of the constant search to inflict harm.

2010 alone has opened my eyes enough, to show me that the best form of victory comes from having the support of those who love you, during times you are put on trials. The enemy will burn on his/her own when they realize they fail to inflict harm upon you within your safety net of love and support. And I feel happier, for certain.

ENVY. If there was one thing I never succeeded in doing, it was to count my blessings. I was constantly oblivious to what I had, and the need to want more did at times, embitter me. I was not blind to the positive points in me and my life, but I refused to acknowledge them most of the times. I wanted what everyone else had - the perfect lover, the mounts of riches, the fanciful townhouse, the life of bling-blings.

But reality caught up with me one day and made me understand that I need to stop this state of envy. I need to stop hurting over things out of my reach, and start counting my blessings; cherishing what I have and enhancing them to the state I deem perfect. Wow. Sometimes I sound really philosophical.

My resolution for 2011? More spiritual growth and career advancement. I want to look and feel better than I have for years. I want to spend more time with my friends and family. Travel more, too (haha). I need to spend time to work on my writings if not they would never get published by the time people stop reading hard copies. Perhaps, go back for yoga classes and the gym.

So, hereby I bid you farewell, good 2010.

And with arms wide open, I welcome 2011 into my bosom - come hither, thee, with all thy riches, robust health and blessings of riches and beauty - May 2011 be a memorable one for all!

Yuletide Yield

2010-12-21T12:28:00.001-08:00

Dear Diary

It was four o'clock in the morning. I was sitting in my room alone, using the laptop... somewhat frustrated at the failure to upload some pictures. My bedroom door was ajar as the night was chilly and I did not require the air-conditioning. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a flickering glow somewhere outside of my room - the kind of glow cast by a tiny penlight, and for a moment I thought someone was in the kitchen. I left the comfort of my cushioned seat, walked towards the glow boldly, and realized that it was merely a reflection upon some glass surface in the kitchen. Curious, I lifted my head and found its source - the fiercely beauteous, eerily-bright Full Moon sat upon my windowsill, glaring back at me.

I was dumbstruck at the moment - by awe, perhaps. I have always thought the Moon to be exceedingly, unbelievably lovely... Tonight, Her beauty just took my breath away.

It is already mid-December and I am not feeling the Christmas ambience, albeit the gorgeous Christmas decorations adorning the city this year. I love the silver and purple themes, by the way. Enchanting.

Usually at this time of year, the yearly routine of booking holiday trips, running from malls to malls, queuing up at gift-wrapping counters, organizing dinners and baking would ensue. This year, however, my busy work routine has overshadowed these activities. My dinners are replaced by appointments. Come January, I should have more empty slots on the calendars.

Ok. Not too bad, really. I still managed to squeeze time to buy gifts for my family and closest pals, pass them the gifts, attended a couple of parties, bought a couple of dresses, and plan a couple of short get-aways from city's bustling, cacophonic life.

Left: gray dress with black details hanging over it, like Indian sari. Right:black dress with a shawl-like drape instead of sleeves.

My emotions are in a turmoil. But at least by now, I know all the answers I want to know. Clarity, like water, beams at me through your slicing words; depth, like sands, would bury my foolishness. I seldom post songs... but here are a couple that I shall round my emotional year off. Start afresh, like mint.

I am excited at what the brand new year will bring. Here's wishing you a very Merry Yuletide holiday season....

Lyrics | Jewel lyrics - Foolish Games lyrics

Lyrics | Corrs lyrics - Only When I Sleep lyrics

2010-11-29T02:30:00.000-08:00

I do not know if you still read this page. If you ever did. It was just scary how we both quoted the same song on different platforms.

There is so much I want to say. So much misunderstandings and mysteries hanging between us. So much tension that both repels and attracts.

The past couple of days, you stood near me. I was so tempted to just turn around and say something - anything at all, to make conversation. But I was at a loss for words regarding you. I like talking to you because you make me feel like there was only us and the world evolves around your intense gaze - even when the rest of them vy for your attention.

For you are everything - from your accentless, flawless English to your stature to your dark good looks; your pleasant character, your enigmatic nature and sensual dance moves.

For you are nothing - just a fragment of what is ideal, but never mine - for to attempt any linkage with you would mean breaking all of my own rules.

We should have so much to talk about, really.

Jazz. Philosophy. Cats. Wine.

I have so much to think about, in reality.

But I am genuinely happy for you, because it seems you have taken flight and have found a source of happiness deserving of you. I wish this flame so bright in you right now, would never burn out. ..

Eleventh Month

2010-11-14T09:57:00.000-08:00

Title: November Rain

Dear Diary

Time's wings have spread and I find myself flipping the last two pages of my monthly calendar. I look back and try to recall what I have done, and achieved so far - though the year is not over yet.

Thought the shining stars weren't shining down upon me lately. The other day I felt so awful I wanted to head home and just give myself some quality "me" time, perhaps release some endorphins, perhaps drink a little.

But as I was having my long-awaited home-cooked dinner, my family members began to engage me in current affairs - at least on the local front. Brutal teens slashing each other up, going on their hacking sprees. It was kind of surreal in our well-protected, sheltered and safe little island, but I guess times have changed.

It made me realize that there are sadder, more tragic happenings out there. Events that have far more serious consequences than my little setbacks and emotions. Events that I should pay more heed to, rather than hiding in my own shell.

It also made me realize that my family is so dear to me.

And I sincerely hope the teens that are involved with these heinous crimes, know what they're doing exactly. If what they're doing, is merely out of boredom or a second's worth of 'glory' within their gangs, of 'victory', then I hope what comes next serves them well and best. I hope they bear no regrets, just guilt, to their pathetic tiny graves or asylum cells.

Christmas is around the corner and the malls are already blasting carols, the cafes are already donned with faux snow and icicles, and other retailers have already packaged the perfect gift items for shoppers to choose from. I dont know, there is something about Christmas - Yuletide, that gets me very excited, like a kid.,It doesnt matter the year, the situation, the location....It makes me just want to hang out at the malls and shop, bake, eat and buy presents. And then I would think back on the past years... how Christmas was spent.

When I was young, my uncles and cousins would come to town. We'd have fun together, eating, choosing Santa hats, opening gifts, writing to the Claus. Then there were parties and curfews, drinking, singing, overseas trips. I realize the only "Christmassy" thing I never got to do is to attend a midnight mass. Heard its beautiful.

Sometimes you just get nostalgic and start missing your friends terribly, dont you? Throughout my life stages, I have always been fortunate to be blessed with fun-loving, good people who eventually become my close buddies. I do know my acquaintances and set them apart, but I have truly made many good friends out there - friends who have been with me for ages, and I really appreciate the friendship, even if some of them are no longer in my life due to demise, misunderstandings or relocation etc.

It just makes me miss those good old days when all I had to do was lift the phone off the hook, dial, or flip my cellular, when I was bored, and I would get many replies to go out. Dinners, hanging out, drinks, movies, pool, etc. So much that I had to mix my different circles of friends so that I could make time for them altogether. The word "bored" or "lonely" never crossed my mind, and when I had some alone time, it was a bliss.

Lately, we've all grown up, grown old, moved on to different stages of our lives where careers and families come first. Sometimes I want to go out so badly, but "when I dial the telephone, nobody's home" (quote "All by Myself" by Celine Dion).

No, though, I am not lonely. I have my family, lovely colleagues and mon beau, and still, friends.

Just one of those weird, melodramatic entries. I dont even know why I penned it.

But here's November for you. Rainy season. KIsses....

Month of Samhain

2010-11-01T11:38:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

as usual I am trailing after the previous month and attempting to write about it. I do not know who is still reading this blog - I thank you for your visit ;)

Samhain just came and went and I did not do anything. Shyt. Anything at all - not the rituals. not the dressing up for parties etc. It was work and chilling out - the latter of which I find myself doing a tad too much of. Not ideal.

Tonight was one of the very rare nights I actually got to come home early for a home-cooked meal, home-cut fruits, and the sound of the TV, poring over mindless fashion magazines and surfing the net. I could count days like these on fingers on my hands probably.

I am so tired. I should let the pictures do the talking tonight. Adieu, with blown kisses.

Beautiful Strangers

2010-10-12T13:28:00.000-07:00

Title: Beautiful Strangers

It was one of those moments, where names did not matter. The night was dark, but not enough to marr the faces. Amongst the sea of faces, there was One. A beautiful stranger.

The beautiful stranger was a mystery, akin to an unopened door. The stranger was being watched, and the stranger in turn, watched. The stranger spoke, and it was like an angel has spoken. The words did not matter, it was the movements of the stranger's lips. Lips that wrapped themselves around the rim of a slim wine glass. Lips that parted to let out streams of intelligent words; smooth toned, like golden sands slowly sailing their way towards the dune - note the crescendos. Lips that left much to the imagination...

The stranger was joined by another stranger of equal caliber.

Were they immortals, sent down to earth to dazzle the earthlings? Sent down, so the trees would grow to be most lush - since the leaves whispered at the sight at of these beautiful strangers, yes they did, the treetops were rustling vigorously, lending on the powers of the winds. Sent down, so the sun might shine most bright - since the rays seemed to cast a halo around every object, at the sight of these mysterious strangers, yes they did, the sun has learned to spread its light to the less beauteous children of Mother Nature.

It was one of those times, one might feel, that it would be worth all the punishments in the world, to just steal bites from the fruit of sin in Eden's garden. For these strangers.

The earthlings yearned to get close, to open the doors to these mysteries, to unravel all there was to unravel, to savor all there was to savor - every scent, sight, sound, move, and taste. To kill off the curiosity with swords of knowledge, and walk away a learned disciple of these Strangers' lives.

Yet. The earthlings desired to leave the doors sealed, to keep the lid of this Pandora's Box on; to live by the will of imagination, for the excitement of guesswork fueled the fierce flames of temptations.

The beautiful Strangers departed into the gentle folds of the night, as softly as the mists, until their backs merged with the shadows cast by orange streetlamps....

One would wonder if these beauteous beings were simply figments of a rich imagination, and to think about them, even dream about them, makes the world seem more vast with each passing thought. Soon, it seemed, they appeared everywhere and everyone looked like them, for a brief fraction of the second. Perhaps they were surreal, perhaps their existence were forged.

And you were about to forget them until you saw one of them today; living, breathing, as touchable as the very memory you embed them into.

The fresh waves of pain came in torrents, the exact temper of an angry ocean.... You wish you could turn back time.

Ah. Beautiful strangers.

September Skies

2010-10-03T05:43:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary

This is another of those very back-dated entries...at least if it is to be regarded as an update on September - which is, the previous month. I had meant to write sooner, but time, and my own energy, would not grant my desire. Many a night, I just sat on my bed, in the midst of towel-drying my hair, and accomplished nothing useful by just sitting there, peeling dry skin off my hands as though in a meditative state, and just let my mind go blank. Blank with thoughts and blank with nothingness, like an unwavering surface of a lake.

September has been a busy month, at least for the first 2 weeks. Not much shopping done, but I did take time to enjoy the dips in the malls and their restaurants / cafes. Jane Austen has also been a good companion these while. I am glad I read her books - one of those classics most talked about, but not many have truly read them! I so love the cultures portrayed, and the use of English in a more ancient style- poetic and elegant...

Recently I have began to practise Yoga on my own at home, when I have the spare time. I so do wish I could go back to Yoga classes again... nothing like it that makes one feel truly rejuvenated and healthy in both the mind, body and soul. I promise that i will make time for it again very soon.

I have slowly lost interest in local politics, I came to realize. Part of the reason might be that, I havent the time or might to follow up on recent updates. But I have slowly came to see the two sides of the coin more clearly - nope, I am not brainwashed by propaganda or those who do not lead in the best of its people's interest. I simply do not see why we should remain the group that falls under the control of a government and some of their more ludicrious policies. There are many who are unaffected - but because they do not care, but because they can afford not to be daunted. And if we cannot change our rulership (not because we havent the power or liberty to do so, but simply, the people here have guts that only allow them to make noise but not take actions), then perhaps, it is us that we should change.

Have you ever met a stranger, who has the power to intrigue you - perhaps it is the air of mystery, or a kind of je ne sais quoi unexplainable - that pokes and gnaws at you...? There is much to wonder, and you are curious to find out much more about this stranger. You wish to open up his or her mind, or at least be allowed a peek within it, so that your curiosity is satiated and your questions are all answered...

But on the other hand, you do not really desire the key to open up this mysterious door or to unravel anything...because you do not wish to find out, do not wish to know their flaws that may make them less beauteous than in your imagination... you wish for them to be as perfect as can be, in your memory. And somehow, they have disappeared from your life... you do not know how to find them, where they might be at, or who might know them. And this creates a longing that is painful, hopeful, amongst the vast skies and wide oceans... You do not even know if you might meet them again, ever.

Well, its late. I better go grab dinner and then take the 30 minute stroll home slowly, while the streetlamps are still willing companions.

In the meantime, here is an early Samhain greeting out to you. les baisers et les bénédictions à vous mon amour

August in a Nutshell

2010-08-22T11:54:00.001-07:00

Dear Diary,

What if, one day I forget what its like to sleep?

I couldnt think of a more suitable title for this month's entry therefore it shall be called, plainly, "August in a Nutshell".

I have been busy - but I have to admit, a little lazy as well. I hope I can complete my client servicing by next month and get started on a new project for the final quarter of the year. After all, it is the most crucial period.

Tonight is one of those weird nights.... perhaps it is the effect of the Full Moon... I have zero idea, but my mind is filled to the brim with thoughts raining unto my skull. A million thoughts and sensations are running through me like currents through an electrical piping as well, and I have absolutely no control over these wild emotions.

I have been suitably disturbed by certain things that occurred recently. Enough to wonder about human nature and attempt to decipher the acts of others in a logical manner. I have always been fair. Even if I do abhor someone, it does not mean I let my emotions cloud my logical mind, or blind me to their positive points. Lately, though, there have been many instances I wonder if I have failed myself - and my Psychology training miserably. There are so many passing minutes I wish I could take back, I wish my body would act in accordance to what my mind urges.

And tonight, is one of those nights I wish I could write the night away. I do not wish to enter the foggy doors of slumberland, or the arms of Morpheus. For my dreams of late have been unusual. I wish my quills and parchments could take me away from the reality of this life, once more. The mind is still my safest abbot.

I really loathe it when males make comments on a female's makeup directly to her. I may still be old-fashioned, but I believe many females should feel the same way too - I believe we do not appreciate hearing comments about our makeup, unless the male who makes the comment is homosexual, an old-time friend or a makeup artiste. Otherwise, I think it is very imprudent. After all, most of us females apply makeup to look and feel good, other than mere courtesy to our clients. I especially detest it when the more idiotic tier comment that a female's makeup is thick just because she uses darker hues. By definition, "thick makeup" is when the powder or foundation upon the face is unnatural, because of the multi-layered being applied to give the illusion of flawlessness. Like putting beige paint onto the face.

But if one merely sees dark-colored makeup and comments that it is "thick makeup", then these individuals
deserve a good ticking off on the difference between "dark" and "thick". I have people telling me my makeup is thick solely based on my lip or eyeshadow colors. I find this to be a major anti-orgasmic remark as I do not think my eye or lip makeup is thick. I probably use the same layer any female does - just that I select a darker hue. It does not indicate that I smear on my eye or lip makeup in multiple applications to achieve the colors I want! The next person who comments that my makeup is "thick" solely by looking at my eye or lip color, will get a verbal lashing from me for sure. Sometimes men just dont understand the trouble females go to to attempt enhancing their looks to be quasi-pleasant at least. That is such a shame.... like childbirth... one of the things men would never understand.

I met up with a friend recently, from a previous job in the same company, but a different department. It reminds me, of how much I still do think back on, and miss my previous job. How good life was back then - to work easy hours, close cases, go out, enjoy attractive staff benefits, and still get a very comfortable pay every month. Those were the days - those were also the days I enjoyed my working life most, and regret not having cherished it more.
Those were the ways that shaped my woes of today as well.... secrets that I could only keep till the day I see my grave.

sounds drastic. But there is still a lot to me yet. Many sides. Many tales.

That was the past. Live not for it, but for the present, and the future.

And for a very busy upcoming September. I. love. my. Deities...
and you, mon amigas.

Reminisce of July

2010-08-04T13:39:00.001-07:00

Title: Reminisces of July

Dear Diary,

July has come and went like a whirlwind, a dream - just like Feith's long-awaited visit. Somewhat surreal, but there were good memories to behold.

It was a busy month - plenty of road shows, a mini-trip overseas for training and team bonding. Then Feith's visit - which I brought her to old places for reminisces, new places for exploration, meeting different groups of my friends, and haunted hotel stays. And some catching up meals or singing sessions with my femme fatale amigas. A rigor no-carb, mostly cereals and salads; and low-meat diet is in order.

I love July for its excitement, but it was also a heartbreaking month - there were crescendos of endings; fearsome thoughts of new beginnings, and finally, soothing silence. Like a beautiful musical piece- orchestrated by unseen hands of Mother Nature.

There were also rumors that went around, baffling me. Do rumors ever contain any trace of truth, like fading rainbows that stronger sun-rays would obliterate easily; or are rumors pure fabrications, like the horizon between skies and seas (the horizon that does not, in reality, exist. It is but a visual effect, a fragment of our imagination...)? They do not really bother me - mayhaps, they may bother my reputation - but the important point is, the people who matter to me know, and believe the truth, and that solely suffices.

I am caught in a dilemma truely. Pray tell, between (A) an incentive holiday trip that you've worked hard for (let's strip all the honor, glory, pride etc that ride along with this trip), fully paid for by the company, and relaxing fun.... and (B) being a bridesmaid for a close friend, and you have already given your word four months ago (implying that if you break your promise at the last moment, there might be serious and dire consequences to the friendship)... which would you choose? The dates clash badly, and you just got to know the date for the former event a week ago.

Well I don't know about you - but I reckon, I would choose years of friendship and my promise over this fun, honor, holiday package.

I love my Deities.

always wanted to read an Austen novel...

antique "engraved / embossed" earrings

black onyx trangular earrings framed by crystal rim

dark gray, irridescent camisole dress with dark purple flower prints

very unlike my darker style - green paisley dress with prints.

gold, semi-military-inspired tank dress

black skirt with flower-print. Front and back views.

Cruel Summer

2010-07-01T08:23:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

If this Summer goes on like this - the heavy downpours, cold hearts and weak health, then indeed, Cruel Summer it is.

Yes, for a hot season there sure are too many days that rain graces earth. To the extent that rivers were created on normal streets in town. Which also resulted in vehicles breaking down and road accidents.

And I am down with a rather nasty cough. Hard not to fall sick with schedules as such. I am not complaining - everybody falls sick. My immunity is rather strong compared to many others. Thank you, Vitamins.

I know. My usual updates should be on a monthly basis. But this month I just have more to write about. I feel worse than I have in months... but I find it hard to talk to anyone at all. Bear with me and the rants - this shall blow over like dust in the wind.

Hit an incentive trip but am pondering if I should go ahead with it, or did I just force myself to do it to satiate those who want this to matter. Well, but nonetheless it is still good news. On a more negative note though, I lost a deal that could have made a huge difference. That was a blow - and I felt despondent that I could not even secure this case although it was by way of referral. Part of the fault lay with me... but the key players refused to weigh down on the stakes even though I offered to cut a hefty chunk of my commission. This is very frustrating.

I dont like to talk about my relationship but I dont know if status quo is a good idea after all. I didnt even know that the distance between us have grown to such an extent... too much... fallen leaves in the still waters forming barriers. Four years. Would it rise from the ashes and kiss the sun, someday? Or dive headlong into the dark ocean bed and sleep forever? I wish I had an answer.

I changed my hairdo. From long (waist-length), straight, dark and smooth, it is now layered, short (shoulder length) and red. I kind of love the new look - I just wish the color would stay.

Caught a movie alone. Love my new one-meal-a-day diet. With the new hairdo I need a more angular facial structure, therefore a diet is required. Though, am going for a champagne-brunch this Sunday.

Human beings envy constantly. We envy those who appear to be very much in love. We envy those who stay in luxurious mansions and live the high life. We envy the supernaturals, for the seemingly perfect, glamorous and worry-free life. But do we know the sacrifices they make to attain what we envy? Are we able to see the darker side of these pseudo-perfect lives? Do we even know that they may in turn envy a lifestyle simpler, happier and perhaps, contains more warmth?

I dont know. But I guess all of us are entitled to our preferred modes of escapism.

I need mine, definitely.

Escapism...

Mid-year Tribute (Special Edition)

2010-06-22T13:08:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary

Just wanted to write more this month, somehow. It is a fun month, amidst all the busy workload. I visited the Universal Studios, Bird Park, watched soccer at a nice place, shopped some, did some voluntary work, met up with some friends... and got to spend some time by myself.

Like today. Strange how I was just thinking to myself yesterday, how much I miss shopping in the afternoon. Sometimes, I wish I didnt have to work - that I could just spend my afternoons shopping, going for spa and manicures, doing Yoga etc. An appointment canceled out in the morning, leaving me with a fair bit of time to kill. I decided to spend a small portion of it fulfilling my desire, and headed to town. Hit the malls, and had lunch at a nice dining place alone. It has been quite some time since I last ate, shopped or caught a movie on my own. It was an enjoyable experience. I got to eat my favorite risotto, and today I tried the best-tasting tea I have ever tried. It was definitely a good gamble I took! Some common-sounding tea "Caramel Creme" but it tasted nothing like sweet, awful caramel. It was a delicate red tea from Africa, but the tea was richly-flavored with French spices. I loved it.

Why are some some people so reticent about hanging out alone? Oh well.. perhaps I am indepedent or have some loner's instrincts in me, but I find my own company enjoyable at times. You can be a free spirit without restraint of time, venues to pop by, or other nitty-gritty details. Though, I would adviser against spending too much time alone, forgetting about our friends.

I witnessed series of small miracles bestowed by my wonderful Deities lately. It is simply amazing. I just need to do more, to play my part as a worthy worshipper. My religion is a kind, gentle religion that brings out the best in people *supposedly*. People who do not know anything about it believe it to be evil or heretic. I have read widely about all kinds of religions before settling on This path. And I love my Deities. I also have some of my own special powers, and I would like to develop them further through Paganism. In case anyone is wondering... no, I do not use magic as a tool to benefit myself selfishly. I do not cast it so I may become more beautiful or richer; nor do I cast it to "force" another parties to do things against their will just so I gain the advantage from this transformation. We do not blaspheme against other religions or think them of ill intentions before fully understanding the true nature of this religion.

Even if we do practice spellcraft, we do not use sacrifices to fulfill a spell. We make use of the power of mind, and the vibration of energy around us to ask. The power of mind is scientifically proven, that if one's mind power is strong enough, there is very little that cannot be attained.

I also believe my Deities sent mon beau. No, I am not one of those gullible, lovestruck females who believe that their men are perfect and that everyone will be fidel to each other etc. He has done a lot for me, and tried his best to change so it may please me. He understands my religion, and even believes in its teachings.

Whatever the case is, I understand him, too. And I know he is not able to hide things from me because I dream. Because my dreams often predict a truth, or inform me what is going to happen or has happened. I am merely stressing this because lately, things seem a little shaky.

Building a relationship is not easy. One needs to find the the right partner, one whom they are attracted to, and can at least imagine themselves kissing or making love to. Of course, there are people I know who are with each other merely because of other factors such as wealth, status or fame etc. Being together, besides spending time together, having fun, one has to be there for the other. Then slowly, we start to find out what our partners like and dislike, start to meet their friends and family and colleagues, eventually.

white mock-turtleneck blouse by Forntieer, with sides lined in black; Unique!

We also need to get used to everything about the other person. How they talk, how they walk, how they dress, how they sneeze, how they do not wash up before sleeping on the bed, how they throw their belongings around a room, their oddities and quirks etc. All these are no snaps of the fingers. They all require compromises and commitment to get used to.

I know people who have been together for a decade, and still seperated eventually. What was lacking? Faith? Passion? Or were there outside infliences?

These are very personal issues. I believe mon beau is not someone who would betray me - and I am saying this because I have valid reason to believe so. If anything, I think I need to change more, so the relationship will have a better balance. I dont trust easily - in fact, I do not trust at all. It took a long while for me to trust him completely, and this trust is here to stay.

Que sera sera.

blackforest cake baked for my birthday - by mon beau's eldest sis, at http://www.bakericious.blogspot.com. This cake was heavenly.

Mid-Year Tribute

2010-06-16T12:18:00.001-07:00

beautiful notebooks. So me

Dear Diary

It is yet another month slowly sailing through the seas of time. It has been a rainy Summer. In fact, today, traffic was so bad that I was kept on the bus for an hour - my usual traveling time to work is ten minutes. The best part was? The damned bus broke down a stop before mine. It just makes me frustrated to think, how screwed the local transport system is, to break down everytime there is a flood or heavy rain. And we call this "world class transport".

black dress with semi-toga, checkered straps

Been feeling stressed and not too stellar for the past weeks. I do not know who exactly is reading my blog, because all I see from my trackers are ip-addresses. But details shall not be disclosed here... I felt strangely calm, even tranquil... but I knew I was somewhat depressed. My comfort food were Coke and chocolates. I did not sleep much as well. Though, I thought I should be feeling much stronger emotions than this numbed tranquility.

Sometimes, gloomy feelings like these provoke so much thoughts in me. Even silent reproaches towards myself. I throw myself the question "What right do you have to feel depressed?" Exactly that. What right do I, do many others, have to get all upset, melodramatic and act like life is mistreating us? Many times, our emotions and thoughtforms are caused by our own lack of control, and worse still, our unwillingness to exercise due control. We think the world is coming to an end on a daily basis, we become uncaring towards others, we weep in the wee hours of the night and hate majority of other lifeforms because of our own imbalances. Yet, most of the times, our misfortunes are by no means greater than those who have perhaps, lost their homes to arson, lost their loved ones due to disasters, lost mobility because of limbs' malfunctions etc. Pray tell, then why do we let our emotions affect us more so, than those who truly suffer.

Mayhaps they are stronger. Their willpower precedes ours. Like recently, I volunteered at a home for the disabled. Seeing these people, witnessing how they go about their lives in such nonchalant and cheerful manners...I
realized they are stronger than us in many ways. I like partaking in charity events and giving to the less fortunate - a little bit of a philanthropic - but I guess its one of the few things that can bring out the caring factor in me. On the streets, usually I am uncaring towards mortal beings. I would dote on an animal more than to care about a stranger on the streets.

white dress with checkered collar and belt

Life has been work, work, work. I managed to squeeze some time out for dinners with longtime friends. Foie gras, seafood, steaks, sashimi. Yum yum.

A friend tried to preach about Christianity to me yesterday. We kind of got into a tiff over it, which I felt was a completely imbecile thing. I was a stout Christian sometime ago - but that was before I fully understood the religion. I am not implying there is anything wrong about being Christian - or Muslim - or Jew - or Buddhist - or Hindu etc, for that matter. I just feel, and believe that Religion is a very personal thing. All of us have our own spiritual experience, our own faith and miracles that happened to us. We connect with different teachings out there, and feel comfortable with different groups, covens, etc.

A true believer of any religion would not attempt to impose their religion upon others. Especially they understand that the other party loathes hearing about "the gospel". I love my DEITIES for a reason. It does not matter whether there is one god, or multiple gods, or no god. This is not for us to argue upon, as long you one believes their god/s exist. I am Wiccan and I am proud to be one. I have a tattoo on my back to announce it. I found that religion because its teachings are purely beautiful, embraces nature, and I have enjoyed a fair share of blessings by my Goddesses and Gods. There are many misconceptions about Wicca. Some people deem it to be "Satanic" - and this is totally wrong. Others believe we use spells to harm others, or attain what we want by force. These are complete myths too. Like all religions, there is a black and white side. Wiccan does not encourage harm or alteration by one's will by force. It is a very misunderstood religion. I would love to share more about it in another entry, perhaps July's.

At least, I dont preach against dishonesty and yet instigate others to lie for my benefit - and still call myself a (worthy) disciple of my God.

white cool, satin dress. I hate White Mondays (company culture!)

Lastly, something very strange took place on Sunday. I was at work, and casually told two colleagues that they would close a huge case each (I will not mention the exact figures). Bear in mind that for this particular road show location, there had not been such large cases for a year (at least). Both of them secured their huge cases shortly after my "prophecy". Then I related this incident to another colleague, who playfully asked for prediction. I gave it to her, with the exact breakdown of her case sizes. The latter came true as well. She and I were both spooked.

I always knew I had a little clairvoyance in me.... some sort of unexplainable powers. I had dreams that came true. I passed certain tests of life in means not conventional. I have predictions that come true (dated way back). I "see" odd visions, especially when under the induction of songs.

Listen to Amethystium's and Vangelis' albums. Tell me if you dont fall in love with them....

All right, mon cheries, I am tired. Have to wake in 4 hours' time. Miss travelling overseas. See you again in the arms of Morpheus. Smooocchhesss....

May -hem

2010-05-14T11:22:00.001-07:00

Dear Diary

May's entry came a little earlier than expected but I do not see any major changes that might occur in the next 2 weeks that may be significant enough to write about. I finally activated my Blackberry data plan today and was amazed at the fact that I could finally browse the web, use chat messengers and check emails on the go. I know, this is silly - almost everyone is doing it lately. But for my case, you have to remember I am an anti-technology person. I have been carrying the Blackberry Curve for months and all the while I have only been utilizing its call and SMS functions.

There were hiccups that caused me to be rather (emotionally) stressed at work. First there was the withhold of my commission due to no (or perhaps just a little) fault of my own. If I could screw the underwriting team upside down, rest assured that it will be one huge, bloody orgy. Ok, I don't hate them that much. But they tend to do things that drive us crazy at times.

it is a simple black dress but I have been looking for a racer back dress for years. The best thing is this comes with pockets so it can be good for work as well.

Colleagues who are starting to become my friends are leaving the circle. I am sure they will find higher grounds to reach, and perhaps be happier. It is just a little distressing but then again, such is always the case with departures. It is, more often than not, the remaining parties who feel saddened by these departures. The departing parties have it easier - since they have to integrate themselves into their new grounds, wherever that may be. Hell, I have been the departing party in many situations as well. I seldom feel sad at leaving, but did the remaining parties get affected by my leave?

Sprained my left wrist again. My netbook at work broke down. Thankfully my bro's in the IT line ;)

Black toga dress with one side zipped-strap and the other, sword-sleeved.

plum-colored spaghetti-strapped dress that looks like a 2-piece outfit

It is ironic how I used to hate men and distrust them.... even fear their intentions at times... but it is the males I seem to be closer to in recent years. They are easier to talk to, for a change. Unbiased, untainted viewpoints and good listening ears.... plus they being more intellectual rather than ruled emotionally... I love my female friends for different reasons.

Forgot the actual date for mon beau's and my 4th year anniversary - rather embarrassing, me being a female and he remembers the date better than I. It was a rather bland celebration but as the years go by, celebrations tend to be less important.

It is the memories that have greater value lately. Every single song in my ipod playlist reminds me of a different experience or incident. Every single one of them has the power to bring me back to a different stage of my life and allow me to relive the experience all over again. Albeit some painful ones, included. But I no longer hold regrets - for everything that happened made me who I am today. Reminsces. Nostalgia. Facades, facades, facades...

Black, white and pale gold "tiled" dress... good for my hated "White Mondays".

On a happier note, it is a good month for three of my closest girlfriends. Congrats *Charliez, for the wedding ROM. And *Priscillia who shall have a wonderful vacation to her dream country (mine, too...). And Happy Birthday *Faith. I love the news that you'll be coming back for a short holiday in July and it is all I can do to stop the countdown.

Birthday celebrations. Mother's Day dinners. That pretty much makes up my Maydays. The rest of it shall be work, religion, work, religion, work, religion. And perhaps a little of my writings and designings.

pink and gray dress in a chiffon-lycra blend material, something I fell in love with at first sight although my prime color is black.

There are times I wonder - wistfully- if I could settle down for a more comfortable lifestyle; something simple and one I would not think about work after office hours. Skip the corporate world shyt - just sit behind the counters serving customers or doing data entry. Earn enough to go travelling twice yearly, eat at middle class restaurants, spend lots of time with my friends and even have time for the Telly and a pet. Like, an adorable black-and-white kitten. Why not?

Its a question I have been pondering for years. Today it hit me again. I finally had the time to mall crawl in the afternoon. Brought about a sense of familarity - the only difference between then and now is ... I feel so lost now, as though I do not know how to mall crawl in the afternoon when everyone else is hard at work.

This entry is tres long! Gracias for your attention, and stay basked my light, love and kisses...

----<---(@

My gift from Mon Beau for our 4th-year anniversary. Love this pair of earrings (even secretly more than the Tiffany's ones ;)

April, my month

2010-04-27T09:18:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary

as I am penning this entry right now, a million thoughts are racing through my mind and I am kept awake at 4am in the morning. Sleep eludes me, and my own naked thoughts delude me.

This is my month. Yet it is not one of the best months I've had. Lots of shopping. Lots of meeting up with my wonderful friends. A mini trip made possible by mon beau and a public holiday. The latter was fun - it was the second time I went to that place. I spent sometime alone, while mon beau wasted his money in the Casino sitting on the losing end.... I entertained myself by going for slow rides, window shopping and a fish spa treat. I welcomed the break very much. Time doesnt allow me to travel to a further destination - I might have to give my favorite country a miss this year.

I have been emotionally disturbed, but I need to keep it aside and focus on my work. I did not come back to this industry so that I could execute a "fail and hop".... Yet I know I have not been giving my best. I need to work harder and continue to improve. Learning does not stop at any point in our lives. And once my career stabilizes, I may have room to pursue my other interests such as Psychology and fashion. Call me versatile... but I have so many passions in life yet so little time to work them all out. I need better time management and Apollo's energy.

I have changed much this year, I feel. Call it the maturing process, the aging effects or .... toning down period. But it, inevitably, is happening. I tend to take things more lightly, and handle them in a calmer manner. Those who do not know me before, may not know how demanding and spoiled I could be. Perhaps it was young age that gave me the freedom to be so, but my temper had caused pain to many who cared for me, and caused thwarts in a couple of potential careers. Every offender who crossed my path, I would be severely affected and need to plant vengeance. I have reached the stage whereby I do not concur with the theory of "an eye to an eye" anymore. Perhaps it is due to my religion and its teachings, but these days, I leave vengeance to Fate. It does not mean I have slowly evolved into a doormat, though. My tongue is still sharpened to razor points and my mind is still open to devious ideas, should harm come my way. But generally, I get over things in an easier light.

This is not one of my most fascinating entries. But nonetheless, I thank you for reading. It is going to be another busy, appointments-filled weekend, so stay tuned for May's updates!

March-ing Right On

2010-03-22T10:43:00.000-07:00

Title: March-ing Right On

Dear Diary

March has come and went .... I had intended to write this entry in early March.... but time robbed away any hope for attaining that. My DEITIES have been good to me so far, and I am still counting my blessings.

Since the start of this month, my life was all about work. There were the occasion outings with my beloved friends and colleagues... but I have pretty much turned into one of those "work, home, sleep, work...." type. Mon beau was right - it is a choice, and I took it. I am not complaining. Just wish I had a little more time to do things I really want to do. Like the other night, I was craving badly to indulge in working on my vampire novel (its now close to 100 pages) but I could not summon the energy to power up my laptop and fulfill my indulgence. Though, I did have a day of fun doing kick-boxing, Cardio-Latino dance and aerobics.

black sleeveless dress with zip at front; and a purple-and-black patterned skirt.

Human beings are simply ironic. They tend to chide others for doing things that annoy them, but never reflect upon their own mistakes - especially those that they chided others for committing. Such as not responding to messages, having to repeat themselves because the other party is unable to hear properly, not paying attention when another party is talking. Call me particular - but I hold high regard for courtesy and for those who are imprudent, my claws come out whenever I meet one who displays bold acts of rudeness in my face (despite being warned).

Counted, and realized that I have close to 80 dresses in my wardrobe. That is not counting my skirts and other items in the same closet space. Pity I am petite... if I die soon, I have no idea who I can leave these clothes to (should I do a will to bequeath them).

midnight blue deep-V bundled dress with flare hem.

Binged a lot lately. Perhaps due to stress. Need to lose weight- bought a lot of diet food bars to serve that purpose.

Why do people tend to boast and over-emphasize on famous or wealthy people they know or associate with? I do not get it. I have, within my own circle of kin, acquaintances and friends- those who are politicians, lawyers, doctors, architects and celebrities etc. But I have never been able to figure out why I might need to brag to the world of my association with them. A colleague once said, "Why brag about knowing someone famous/important? Why not become someone important ourselves so others will brag about being associated with us instead?" This.... definitely makes a lot of sense. While the poor souls are mentioning their influential friends, these same friends might not even remember the existence of these pathetic boasters! Now that is funny.

black and white mini checkered dress with U-neck.

Tonight I seem to ask a lot of questions. I do have a lot on my mind.

I feel I have changed alot from the person I used to be. But then again, I have always been changing drastically. From a model student to a silly, rowdy tomboy during my middle school days; I became a nerd in my first year of high school, and then changed into a trendy bad girl type. In college, I was someone cold and aloof, then I became Miss Popular shortly before graduation. I was party girl turned boring and lately I have become very family-oriented.

What changed me? What is still changing me?

If anyone has any answers to my questions above, email me at mysterious_glow023@amystickalgrove.zzn.com to share your views.

Black and gray mock-Burberry patterned "robe" dress

On a happier side note - I have already received my first advanced birthday gift of the year! And what is heartwarming is that this gift is from a very close friend who has forgotten to wish me happy birthday for years... but this year she actually took the effort to get me a lovely Italian pen engraved with my name! Thank you my dear!! Mon amigas are already texting me to meet up for celebratory dinner. I love them.

But as the years go by, the day we are born is no longer significant. It is just another day. Another reminder of ageing. It is more about the precious moments spent catching up that matter more.

I shall leave this page here tonight. Till the next time.
Adieu, and kisses.

Pen from a close friend- with my name engraved

Mini Braun Buffel pouch- good for lunch or clubbing.

February Part II

2010-02-12T09:46:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

I dont usually update my journal more than once a month, but I reckon there are things that transpired lately that requires more blogspace, uncaptured in my earlier entry. By this experience, I shall stick to the proven belief that blogging at the end of the month (instead of beginning) is more efficient since I do not have to sum my month up in double entries.

The flu bug is going on and off. I wish I could simply cast a net over it and toss the entire net of flu bugs out the window and recover. Like a snap of the fingers.

Events in my life are picking up, I believe, thanks to the power of my Deities. The exam module I supposedly failed? I was appealing desperately, to Murdoch's Council, but heard nothing from them in the two troubled weeks. My Deities heard my prayers, and cast a beautiful dream to me in which I was sitting in front of my laptop (the expensive one sitting at home) logging in to re-check my results and miraculously, they were modified and I passed. After all, how could someone with distinctions get a Fail? Anyway, I logged on to the same site the next day, and witnessed the miracle manifesting. And other areas of my life are improving too.

These days, many of my dreams are frighteningly real. It makes me miss the nightmares and paranormal dreams I used to savor.

I have changed from someone who was adventurous and loves to try different things to someone who makes choices based on cravings and loyalty, sadly. For instance, if I love a certain dish at a certain restaurant, I would be having this same dish everytime I revisit the restaurant, instead of selecting something else from the menu. Or I would stick - like a die-hard fan - to preferences such as my penchance for Coffee Bean over Starbucks coffee and how I would always support Yahoo over Google. Not sure if this is a good or bad change.

There are upcoming festivities as mentioned in an earlier entry. The marts and malls are filled to the brim with walking, breathing human beings trying to fill their fridges, cabinets or wardrobes for the upcoming festivity. It saddens me at times to note, though, that while the rest of us are preparing for a celebratory event, there are those out there who cannot even earn their keeps for a meal a day, let alone shop for redundancies such as festivals and events. It makes me want to reach out to them and offer solace, sometimes, but I do not have that ability to do this for everyone.

I met up with a close uncle relative of mine today and I realize how much he has aged, just like my parents, over the years. I started thinking back to the days when they were younger and the jovial laughter shared. I think back to how they work hard to provide us (their descendants) with good lives, asking for nothing in return, just wanting us to do well for our future. I suddenly feel like crying at the fear of losing them, of not having these people in my life anymore. It makes me feel vulnerable, like a child. And I hate this feeling.

To think that I stepped out of my house just this morning, happy and light-footed! In fact, I was happy even after a meeting at The Place. Then I had to run into someone I have no wish or desire to see or hear from ever again. No, I did not deliberately meet my client at The Place because this person told me he was leaving town today. I did not even care about the details. I did not even remember that he might be around. Until he appeared. And I do not understand why he bothered to say hi.

I do not understand how we met at my workplace and end at his. How, the chance encounter could bring about so much hope and joy and an odd development thereafter. How he could say the things he said and how I had to internalize his words, perhaps recited casually. How he knew he was lying all along and how disappointed I was when the truth came to light. And he always had to have the last word. Despite the shards which are the aftermaths of what occurred, he had the nerve to acknowledge me in a place where I forgot about him, and he was trying to sound like we were cordial, still. It makes me think of my very own poem - especially these 2 verses "Not friend, not lover, not foe, You were just Lies in flesh and blood" or something.

But then again, all along, I should've learned that words of (almost all) men are not to be taken seriously or trusted. To err is human, just like to believe is folly.

I seldom mention emotions or personal stuff on my Blogs. I guess this would be the closest you would get to take a peek into my personal life.

Before the curtains fall, I would like to wish all of you a Happy Valentine's Day.

February 2010

2010-02-02T10:12:00.001-08:00

Dear Diary

Is it possible for one to be desensitized to all these natural disasters that are occurring around the globe currently? I dont know... it is disheartening, to hear of them happening, lives and homes lost. In fact, when the Tsunami incident first occurred, followed by Hurricane Katherina, I actually cared enough to want to appeal to go down to help out at site, to rescue the living and dig the corpses etc, lending whatever expertise I was able to. But these days, I am reading and hearing about too many of them happening, I do not know what to feel anymore. In a way, I am wondering if it is not simply Mother Nature seeking vengeance for all the evil deeds mankind cause to HER children.

February did not start out well. I do not want to go into details, save for the fact that I am down with the flu bug yet again. My immunity was never this bad. Granted, many others are also down with the same sickness, but its been like this all year round!

The festival is upcoming, and no, once again I'd like to repeat it aint Mardi Gras. I am not really looking forward to it, but I do look forward to the catching up with close kin and friends. It is a yearly tradition. I bought quite some goodies and clothes to lie in wait for this festivity.

I thought I would have more time to what I would like to do, now that I have this new job and my studies have come to a close. I am wrong. In fact, I have been slacking a lot when it comes to my religion, and I have not started on any of the projects I was enthusiastically working on while my schedule was fuller. I even had to cancel my yoga membership because I simply have zero time to attend classes. It is a pity because I love Yoga.

I managed to write poetry, though.

Here are some pictures of the dresses I bought. And I got my Blackberry Curve. Embarrassingly, I do not know how to use it.

Black dress with bold red roses at skirt part

I like the unique theme of brown and plum tones

sexy and short netted black dress

red and black dress on the Mannequin that got my attention

checked dress with black skirt. My first Tee-dress.

The Blackberry Curve.....

January in a New Light

2010-01-03T08:56:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary

Its a brand new year and it is January. I am early for this monthly entry... but I can easily foresee myself reverting to the unpunctual entries in the months to follow. I have already begun to input the wrong year for documents that need to be dated. I hope that 2010 will be a good year for everyone, and myself. Lets toast to it *clink glasses*

Lets do the annual recount on events that occured in the (sinister) 2009:

Major Positive Things that Happened:
1. Completed my evening class
2. Started on some exciting new projects
3. Job Switch
4. Travelled overseas at least thrice.

Major Negative Things that Happened:
1. Development of eczema on hands
2. Job Switch

Developments for 2010:
1. Religion
2. Career
3. Relationship
4. Family

Lots of details.But lets not go into them. Stay tuned, mon cheries, for the results of these developments. Muacks.

December and the end of 2009

2009-12-14T11:34:00.001-08:00

Dear Diary

I thought that after November's hectic schedule, December 2009 would enter my life as a blessing. I was so wrong. Besides the busy work schedule, my nights have been spent catching up with friends, catching up on my designs and writings. Catching up on my religion, and preparations for Christmas, which, in my case, would be Winter Solstices.

It is 3 o'clock in the morning now, but I am very awake. I dont know why - just earlier on I was dozing off... and now I am trembling with the grip of coldness... my mind a blank. I did something at work today, something I have never done, and it was embarrassing.... at least not since my summer vacation job... just that once.

So I am listening to my usual (melancholic) playlists now and writing this entry, not sure of where to begin. I am depressed, I would believe. Despite an Italian dinner and some great shopping with *Charliez earlier on. I got myself a couple of dresses... one of which is totally not my style. I am busy making reservations for the various dinner gatherings this month... in the dead of night. Except I feel that the night is younger than I. It seems alive, and I cannot sleep. My nerves are fried, but my eyes refuse to close. I feel I could stay up the entire night, just doing nothing, lamenting upon life and feeling miserable.

Yet the reason is unknown... at least, it is denied. I want to believe so much I could get out of it, this dark pit, and see light at the end of the tunnel eventually... but something I can't breathe in this darkness right now. I fear I might be regressing. Yes, I am going to come out of the closet and admit that I have depression. Hell, I had very serious depression. But I would never go to a doctor. I know me. I am almost a MPD-er. Once at the doc's, I know I would be myself again, and there is no way he would diagnose me with anything. I was a Psychology student... I know what I am. Depression is like an allergy, like a part of us... like a cancer that has been controlled. But it doesnt go away. It would never ever go away. The only way we can prevent it from surfacing is to keep ourselves balanced, either by medicinal aid or exercises, a healthy lifestyle.

But now, all I can feel is coldness - both inside and out. A million thoughts are racing through my mind, creating a cacophony I could probably record an entire album on. Thoughts of the past flash by like thunderbolts, thoughts of things not concerning me are stifling me as well. Yet, despite this flurry of activities in my mind, my body is sufficiently subdued. I need rest, but I am afraid to climb to my bed and lay down amongst dreams that may haunt.

Let me out. Let me talk about something else for distraction.

December is coming to a close. It is time for new resolutions and a new life ahead. I look back upon 2009 and count my blessings.

I look forward to Christmas and the celebrations, the catching up with those people I truly treasure, the short trip with mon beau (and maybe *Charliez and beau). Though, it saddens me that these days, Christmas, or rather Winter Solstices is viewed as a day for joy, fun and partying. What about the age-old traditional methods of celebrating Christmas? Looking out for the first star, savoring in the magic and enchantment Christmas is supposed to bring about?

Oh well, what does it matter? It is just another day, another 24 hours passing through the labyrinth of time.

And I am still wide awake, debating if I should take my Tarot deck out for company...

Trailing after November rain

2009-12-05T02:25:00.001-08:00

Title: Trailing after November Rain

Dear Diary

I am very glad that today is over. It is also due to today that I have again, delayed my entry for last month. November's rain has come and went by, and for this month, perhaps the December Flakes will grace .... this place. Thanksgiving has passed me by and I wasnt even aware of that till my friends started wishing me a happy thanksgiving.

The past month was pretty scary. While I was trying to close cases for work in the daytime, I returned home late not to sleep. I would power up the laptop and the moment the Windows Startup tune came on, I would feel a sense of dread and wonder if I would even get to catch a wink or two for the night. It was literally like that the entire month - work, night classes; work, rushing of assignments; or work, studying for the final exams.

I do not think I have seen the inside of the malls for a month, except for the purpose of running road shows.

But I chose the path and it is this path I walk.

There are still lots of things to learn and I am very stressed out because back at the last department (albeit in the same company), I was one of the better performers and even as newcomer, I came in strong. Now, though, I feel stressed out and I fear I am unable to perform. The products are different, but I have superb coaches. It is going to be a month soon, and I have only done 4 cases. I need to buck up now that my exams are over.

And I am very excited for two reasons too. Make that three. Now that I have completed my night studies, I am able to start my Christmas shopping. I am going to reiterate again that I so do love shopping for gifts for other people, especially when you hit jackpot and get them something they love. The look on their faces is just precious, invaluable.

I can also start to do major catching up with friends whom I have neglected during this busy period. That, I cannot wait... and I am sorry to keep you guys waiting, homies. I missed nearly 2 entire months of Yoga as well.

Finally, I can devote time to work on my religion and live a life that justifies The One I worship. Ironically, the movie "Facing the Giants" was what gave me this insight and I cannot wait to get started. Not to mention I can work on my stories and designs - talents I have set aside and are probably turning rusty.

That is it for now. Stay tuned for December's updates.

Love, light and hugs......

Red October

2009-10-31T04:10:00.001-07:00

Title: Red October

Dear Diary

I wrote most of this entry in mid-October, but only managed to post it today - Halloween......rendering it the last day of the month again.,

It is very early in the morning, and it is a Saturday morning. I am already up and sitting by the laptop typing away, battling a throbbing headache due to three hours of sleep from the night before. I was up late for the past few nights as well, working on the same academic assignment, but night after night, I was starting at the screen, my mind unable to process or produce anything. Last night inspirations finally gushed at me and I could not stop the flow. I would have gone on writing, if not for the fact that it was four in the morning and I had to be up at seven for my journalist's duties. Yes, again, I reiterate- on a Saturday morning.

I left a semi-hellhole only to fall into another similar trap. In fact, I thought the latter was slightly worse off. It didnt surprise me that during working hours I was browsing jobs sites and going for interviews shortly. I did not know what I was doing - but I ended up accepting offers to three different jobs.

The first offers financial and time freedom, and I would get to exercise creativity and great carte blanche in my job.

The second goes along the same line, but it deals more with land banking rather than financial products.

Ok, I did not mention the position in a local bank and advertisement sales executive. I rejected them because I did not want to pile myself with too many choices. This shows that either the economy is picking up steadily or that getting a job in the sales (especially financial sales) industries is not at all tough despite difficult times.

So, last night I went for an interview half-heartedly. I went more out of courtesy and curiosity... and it turned out to be my favorite financial company with a very enticing pay package. I had a long chat with my boss-to-be, and then met the guys at the road show... and I decided that this would be my destiny. The harder things to do now would be to call the other employers and tell them how much I regret having to pass on their offers.

I am already looking forward to starting work at the new company. I thank my Deities for that.

There hasnt been much time for shopping or dinners. I think I can count my social activities on fingers on one hand this month. I have been enduring a sexist, micro-managed office and academic assignments.

Christmas started early this year. I am already hearing strains of Christmas carols and noticing Christmas decorations sold at malls. In fact, I noticed this phenomenon as early as early October, but plain refuse to believe it till now. I love Christmases for some strange reason. Nope I am not a Christian - at least not anymore, but since young I was always mystified by strange tales of associated with this festival and the magic told of, the celebration and the beauty of the decorations.

I wanted to write more...on losing myself in songs... on odd feelings stirred.... on many things...but for now, alas, my mind is a blank. I might edit this entry when inspirations come return.....

September Sun

2009-09-28T00:30:00.001-07:00

Title: September Sun

The month is coming to a close, like heavy maroon drapes coming together to join after a stage play. I watch the tiny drops of rain falling off emerald green leaves and slowly sip my ’92 Cabernet Merlot in silence… with Beethoven’s Piano Concerto No. 1 in C major…. Playing away softly in the background.

I am counting down to my last day at the office. There have been sweet colleagues who treated me lunches as appreciation of being their colleague. In turn I rack my brains on what to get them as a farewell treat from me. I don’t hate this place. If anything, I love this place… for some weird reasons I cannot fathom. I do not know how the new job will pan out, but I am excited. I even had a dream about it- though not as strong as what I had for my current job, but it was not unpleasant. On the plus side, I have an ex-colleague who would be undergoing this new adventure with me, and at my new work district, I have many friends I know who are also fighting their corporate warfare around the vicinity.

I cannot wait for my evening classes to complete swiftly as I have a ton of other things to move on to – my fashion designs portfolio, my novels, my religion, my French classes, and possibly, even the re-pursuit of my Psychology classes. Right on the agenda, are plans to practice hard at Yoga (hot, usually) and shed those extra pounds I have gained from all those rich foods – German, Chinese, French, you-name-it.

Sometimes, people simply bring me amusement. Before they attempt accusations for another’s misdeeds, have they ever probed their own minds and reflected upon eviler deeds they have cast unto the to-be-accused? I should not think so … but shall continue to hold my white flag high and watch the prophecy of my own words.

I wish I were overseas now.I wish I were in Hong Kong for a long time, absorbing the culture, the air, the beautiful scenic nights case by the highrise buildings’ lights…. I mean, everyone bases their fantasies on romantic, timeless cities like Paris, Athens, or California. So do I. In fact, many of my novels are based in settings aforementioned. You could sense the influence in the clothes I design, the stanzas of poetry my ink managed to form, or sometimes, even in my peculiar set of accents. But if you dig for roots, and an area closer, more practical, it was Hong Kong that took my breath away. I admired the glamorous and aloof actors and actresses, the danger, even the olden, narrow lanes one knew could surely suffer the strains of modernity. I love the food, the shopping, the magnificent mountains and the cop shows. I speak the language, so being there, is natural…

I may be updating soon…. When I have settled into the new job. That would be two entries for September. An achievement. That is provided, if I am not too busy with John Grisham’s “The Partner”, or Carlos Ruiz’s “Shadow of the Wind” or Sophie Kinsella’s “Remember Me?”…..Allow me to depart from this page with some meaningful words from Marilyn Monroe…. “If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best”…

August in one breath

2009-08-30T07:29:00.001-07:00

Title: August in One Breath

Dear Diary

I was doing up a new blogskin but it turned out less than ideal - it was late - oneish in the morning therefore I decided to make do until I spot something better.

The turnout of events have been more or lees mundane.... dinners, drinks, movies, Yoga, shopping and etc.... this month there were more socializing activities since it is my month-long break from evening classes. I am kind of addicted to these risotti and paella dishes these days....you can guess where I have been dining of late! So many of my close friends' birthdays fall within this month. I love Leos and Virgoes.

Work .... I realize I shall not discuss it too much here. It would be tiresome for those who do not know the inner workings, and too much information for those who are within the organization. I have been selected to be part of the Recreational Club. Hmmm.....

On other nights free, I have been able to fine-tune on my fashion projects - though to my utter regrets I did not get to do much writing.

Disturbing things have been happening - I need to walk out of this circle so I can get the peace that I need- inner and outer. A lot of our ailments and troubles are often psychological and self-induced. More often than not, they topple our sense of balance and we start imagining illnesses like itchiness, physical pains and emotional burdens etc. We need to develop a sense of well-being to be healthy in totality... I need to mediate more. Need to exercise more. All that French and Italian food are starting to show on me again.

A lot of natural disasters have been occurring around the world of late. Do you believe they are linked to misdeeds of the people or country itself? Do you believe that Mother Nature does paybacks too, as well? I would retaliate too, if I were Her.

Like how every human who inflicts pain and causes harm to another deliberately, should be dealt with equally.

I know.... I am vindictive... but don't religious teachings preach the doctrine of "helping those who help themselves first" as well?

I miss the days of technology-free lives so dearly. The days of pen-pal letters exchange, the days of enjoying entertainment outside of the phone, TV or internet. You know, gathering together under the stars to talk and drink? Shopping should not be part of virtual reality. I have an article all about the loathings of modern technology...oh well. We have come this far it would not be possible to turn back time to a technology-free zone.

Friends... they come and they go. Only a handful stays throughout our lives... But the important thing is, we should never stop making new ones. There is a thing called Fate that slowly brings people together.... destinies written in the stars long ago. Star-crossed friends. Beware the enemies though..... .... ....

Do we truly know how we look like in life? I do not know.. like a friend, *Charmaine once mentioned, that the face we see in our mirrors always seem to differ from the us in photographs. I told her it might be the lighting or angle... but it is not untrue. More often than not, the way we view ourselves tend to differ from how others view us. Even physically... Perhaps that is why some people can have odd eyes, swollen face and clefts on cheeks and still think they look beautiful. And vice versa. Often, the idea of beauty varies from individual to individual as well... Those who enjoy sweet, soft beauty would go for women with round faces, soft, pale features and gentleness. Those who enjoy dark, sensuous beauty would go for women with defined bone structure, colder dispositions and deeper connection. Those who enjoy atheletic beauty would go for au-natural clothes, makeup, fuss-free appearances and simplicity.

I think I talked too much in this entry. It is time to retreat to deeper, calmer waters for relaxation. I shall see you again on the next full moon. Till then.

Au revoir

Trailing after July

2009-08-01T23:28:00.000-07:00

Title: Trailing after July

Dear Diary

The trend of me writing about July after feeling August's hot breath upon my face ....still precedes. I just cannot seem to write about the events of a month within this month itself. I seem to be trailing after memories all the time.... I guess this might be due to the fact that I am still updating my hardcopy diary - i..e. the quill and parchment variety - more diligently.

July was busy. Work has taken a turn for the worse - the gap between my pay and my workload is stretching further and further apart. Were it not for the fact that my Deities were the Ones approving of this job in the first place- the "diving under currents during a financial tsunami" theory, and the fact that I am awaiting graduation.... I would have went back to an industry that churns better payouts. While this is a rich learning ground, it is tiring attending masquerade parties on a daily basis.

I have one more trimester left till graduation. Just in time for Christmas.

Despite the busy workload and studies/exams, I have managed to squeeze in time for meeting up with *Priscillia, a short, fun beach trip with friends, shopping trips with colleagues and *Charmaine (the latter was our memorable visit to the huge new mall that turned out disappointing) and a mild Bachelorette dinner for a lovely "Queen" Latifah. It is always good catching up. There are more to come.

I do not understand why - someone can tell you he loves you over and over, but the one thing he knows you are perpetually upset by - he would not eliminate. He would watch me endure those long journeys, watch me get upset by utter humiliation, watch us fight over this same issue time and again. And now even my younger brother is going to get what on beau is supposed to have gotten three years ago - and mon beau is still searching. It is one thing to be lazy and un-resourceful. It is another thing when, someone provides all the resources to facilitate smooth purchases, but the purchaser is still passive. One day, these small disappointments shall accumulate and turn into hatred. I dont know how much more I can endure, on this issue that makes me feel so .....cheated.

And then perhaps, he would understand why I dont want to be friends should we break up because of this issue.

Lately, I am hooked to "The Poe Shadow" by Matthew Pearl. I love the Poe mystery, and the elegant, gentlemanly self-narrative tone of the lead character. I also love Vangelis' album.

Yesterday, it was the first time I discovered I could surf the net from my mobile phone. Out of boredom, I hit on the Google button on my LG phone. To my amazement, it connected me to a browser, and I could even blog from there. It was tempting, but I did not succumb.

June came Home

2009-07-05T03:14:00.000-07:00

Title: June came home

Dear Diary

pray tell, what kind of a writer misses her monthly deadline and needs her faithful readers to remind her to write?

I think you have are looking at the accused in the face. *Guilty as charged*

I cannot even think what I am busy with. Forex trading? Articles for magazines? Work? Night class and its barrage of assisgnments? Moonlight property agent-ing? Working on my novel? Reading one of the many books I bought? Yoga? Consorting with the ......?

Maybe all of the above. Maybe none. But there sure was a social animal lurking about somewhere out there. Dinners with doctors, lawyers, the usual friends.... surprisingly I kept shopping to a minimum. Then there is the month-end short beach trip that I am psyched up for. Think Javanese massages. Think reading a good novel by the beach. Think worry-free hours, staring at the clear cyan waters.

Life is a funny subject sometimes. You get people going fanatic about it, about how important it is to live out every single second and minute as though this were their last moments.... filling it with events, dates, whatnot. You get people working till their last breaths and not knowing where that pretty lump of cash sitting in their banks went to.... and you get people hating every second of life, eventually ending it or enduring it (should they be too cowardly to end it themselves.

To my utter disappointment, the H1N1 influenza took far too few lives. Call me a sadist, but I believe that pandemic, epidermic, natural catastrophies are here to help reduce population without mankind taking the blame for such a necessary extermination. I am not an Earth fanatic - in fact, I do feel for mankind, sometimes - but the causation of Mother Earth's insufferable life is but the greatest sin of all.

And such a responsibility is only fair for mankind to bear, since they take all of Earth's pleasures, giving little in return.

In this entry, I amaze myself by sounding so cold-blooded.

But I guess, I was never warm to begin with...

Cheerios, mon cheries. Till I next return.... for July's entry. Just a belated Happy July 4th to all of you sweetpies out there.

And aye, the Man in the Mirror gone too soon. What a waste of talent.

May's Comeback

2009-06-07T05:53:00.001-07:00

Title: May's Comeback

Dear Diary

I thought the title befits this post since May has indeed returned. At least on this entry. After April's entry, I had not managed to find time for May's. Therefore, this shall be a makeup blog for the month of May.

Lots of things happened, besides shopping, which I love. But at the same time, another factor seems to be sobering me against all these.. frivolous acts... oh no, not the financial determent. More like an awakening of a dream that I thought had been left to die.

With every birth, there comes a death. Such is the way of natural life. I shall not elaborate further. We should move on.

The overseas trip was nice, a tad too leisurely, though. I got to meet up with relatives, ate some good food, explored some new places, spent quality time with mon beau, and did some shopping. When I came back, I was home-quarantined (they put it in a nicer way though "working from home") for three days. That was before my own country even had any confirmed H1N1 case. You see healthcare personnel donned in space-suit garb and corporate clients taking overly-preventive measures. The office lines ring nonstop with inquiries about this pandemic flu; it was not hard to imagine how a stock broker feels in his job. Though, the difference in salaries may well be vast as an ocean.

A weird series of gastro pains finally made me feel alarmed enough to consult a doctor for it, but not enough to seek a specialist. Spasms of pain fillng the area below the chest. Sometimes it feels like the internal organs have detached from the body walls or there is a giant growth in there. I don't know. If I were wiser, I may very well consult a specialist on this. But I lack the courage to do it; I cannot even bring myself to go for an abdominal ultrasound. I am not afraid of death; its the treatment that frightens me. If I am meant to contract some weird bodily dysfunction, then may it be the Will of my Destiny. Though, it seems I am recovering slowly.

I have been out with professionals and famous people. The kind that you expect would behave in line with the stereo-typed, Hollywood-portrayed images. But hell, no. Some of them are far from gentlemanly... though, sometimes the question of "gentlemanly" leaves much to be debated upon. Women these days fight the equality in many ways; therefore men should have the right to denounce "gentlenmanly-ness" based on social status, career and age now, do they not? I guess, regardless of how wealthy or intelligent one is - be it doctors, lawyers, bankers, models or Warren Buffett wannabes, they ae still flesh and blood.

I do not find them impressive. I may respect them, but I do not need to do anything special to buy their hearts or start falling on my knees on some form of hero worship. I do not understand why many of us out there are so easily impressed or intimidated. The only form of hero worship I would ever do ... would most possibly to my own faith, in my Deities.

There goes another entry. Its amazing how an awakened wave of pain can be the push factor for forgetten dreams that should rise like phoenixes from the ashes. But yet, this has act like a sobering factor like I mentioned above.. and now I see clearer my regrets making paths for a sharper future. Stay with me, mom cheries.

black dress with pleat-neckine and ruffled hem

black satin dress with laced pattern and white detachable collar

black dress with "basket-weave" pattern

black diamond-shaped leathery dress

black knit dress with white patterns

black dress with rumpled lines and wide sleeves

gold satin dress

black and white wool bolero jacket

brown gingham bolero jacket

gray bolero jacket

black PVC tote with gold chain details

deep brown tote with buckle

Guess monogrammed tote

a full circle in April

2009-04-25T10:46:00.000-07:00

Title: The Full Circle in April

Dear Diary,

This has been the most busy of months... I had almost forgotten to pen in an entry before the month is over.

It is my month so I had a lot of sweet gifts ranging from perfumes to books to cosmetics and from mon beau, a holiday trip. There were also many social gatherings being squeezed into my calendar admist the hectic of work, the mad rush of assignment deadlines and preparations for my examinations. The latter two were killers in their own rights but I escaped the bullets.

I was looking through some old diaries a while back and the memories all rushed at me like tears to the floodgates. Suddenly I was filled with thoughts of people I had chucked in the back of my mind; memories made these people come alive and I felt like I was being pulled back into those days that money could not buy back. Friends I used to treasure and hung out with very frequently. Men who pursued and were pursued by me. Places that I used to hang out at and enjoyed at some point in my life. Sometimes you wish you could have them back, that you could freeze all these moments in time and not let them slip away. But alas, like the sands of time they gently and gradually go away....

A famous Solvil et Titus slogan went like "I don't care about eternity, I care that I had it once" by the late and famous Mike Chu. I guess good memories should be remembered fondly like that.

Lately I have also been watching many movies set in very ancient times - Lords of the Ring, Merchant of Venice, First Knight etc. There is much allure in life back then - the vast, scenic lands, the simplicity of life back then, the beauty of its cultures and customs. No doubt they did not have technology back then to facilitate life the way we do these days, it fazes me not as I do not care about technology. I love archaic English, history and the mysticism of life. There were wars, but they had real moments of peace too. Earth was not overpopulated; it was neither overpopulated nor depleted / polluted. Even having to endure shorter lifespans would be a good price to pay for such an ancient, beautiful way of life. Even death was a simple, sacred affair.

Unlike today. Advancement of lives has eroded the boundaries of cultures and customs. Ease of technology reduces creativity and proper personal defense (ie. swordsmanship). People have become harder to trust and Earth is suffering.

Like right now, before I turned the air-conditioning on, the entire place felt like a furnace. All I wanted to do was to dance in the first bout of rain or the bathtub.

Speaking of bathtubs, I saw the most unbelievably gorgeous one the other day. It lays on a platform surrounded by a tiny moat, and the back wall is like a waterfall with water running down gently. I have a feeling this would be expensive to purchase and bothersome to maintain.

As for now, I am looking forward to my trip in May. Nothing to think about except eating and shopping. Mon beau is out of town these few days and I have programs lined up with the old girls.

I shall end my fiften minutes of fame right here. Do come back in May. Vous êtes toujours sur mon esprit. au revoir avec l'amour.

end of the march

2009-03-27T11:50:00.001-07:00

Title: If dreams are the reflections of our thoughts

Dear Diary,

While some of us are suffering the effect of humidity in the air, there are some who are probably busy clearing the paths of snow to make way for Spring's blooms. I for one have marched to the end of this month... well, nearly, and well, not to condone chick-lit, but I actually feel like Rebecca Bloomwood of "Confessions of a Shopaholic" by Sophie Kinsella, now a movie showing in most theaters.

Soon I would be approaching another step up the age ladder. *Priscillia was the first to get me this year's gifts, comprising of a book I coveted, along with a High Society album that contained "La Gata" and "Memory". Brilliant! Mon beau would be bringing me for a vacation in celebration and maybe, just maybe, the SK II Miracle Water as well. Somehow, the notion of ascending the age ladder no longer seems to be reason for celebration....youth is not everlasting, and once a certain (age) threshold is crossed, the rest of the years seem to accelerate until the golden stage.

black slim fit dress with fitted-in belt and mock turtleneck

Lately I appear to have lesser and lesser tolerance for people. Such as people who are silly enough to tell lies and leave tracks around, such as people who do not know how to be more tactful in things they do or say, such as expectations not being met. I have high regards - and also high demands of people - but my training in Psychology should have served me better. I used to feel so much for people, used to empathize with them, try to understand their feelings, actions and thoughts. Lately, I have zilch tolerance for most of what people do, I become more sarcastic and uncaring, and I become more plastic to others. My own facets can form a jigsaw puzzle, I feel.

Dark brown dress with matching belt and stitched-on flowery-design

I wish certain dreams wouldn't come true literally. I believe that dreams sometimes bring to us part of what our subconsciousness is aware of, dreams sometimes brings us mysterious messages of what life entails.... and in my entire lifetime I have handfuls of dreams that have come true, or at least predicted part of my reality to come. Or reality to come, in general. They used to be most accurate after some of my Tarot-divination sessions. Lately, a bad dream had to come true. It did not happen to me, but nonetheless, it was an awful thing to have occurred. I feel almost guilty for that dream alone. Some say, dreams are reflections of thoughts, but my dreams are always most peculiar, unexpected and most times, even haunting. So what say you to the disparity to that?

A pair of elegant, sexy lacey strappy pumps that I did not get to purchase in time, but I covet it so.

My schedule has not improved much. The final exams and assignments-deadlines are all congregating on a marked spot on my calendar. While I am rushing to finish them off, well-wishing friends and dear ones are trying to arrange for meetups to celebrate my hatchday (upcoming). The weather lately has caused illness to befall me for a mere while as well, but in the course of it I closed a business deal. How neat is that? Though I havent even the time to be a good citizen and file my tax returns yet. Right now, I am looking forward to the upcoming break from my evening classes - an entire month of catching up with friends, some fun to be had, relaxing, working on my Book of Shadows and Dreams, reading, writing.... even getting started on my designing project! Oops, there there, I have conveniently missed out on housekeeping...

Don't forget to check back in April for the next entry.... Happy Easter to those who loves the bunnies and chocolate eggs!

vous voir dans mes rêves. Adieu!

Storia D'amour

2009-02-24T19:24:00.000-08:00

Title: Storia D'amour

Dear Diary,

February is coming to a close, it seems, therefore i decided to add in a blog entry before the month is over. if not, it would defeat the purpose of my "one post a month" blogging style.

But this month, alas, it has been one sardines-packed day after another. I still am trying to find time to squeeze in another two commitments - one being a clothes-line project and another.. a social project. Twenty-four hours a day makes it gaining a paltry value..... more, please.

I did not even have time for my writings and my night class assignment. There were festivities, detainee visits, dinner and drinks with friends like *Catherine and *Priscillia, visits to the hospitals (not the one I am working at), a little shopping, and visitsing relatives. On top of work and night class... and a little time for devotion to mon beau and my religion.. this is crazy, baby, crazy. Work might get worse with the takeover of high-net value portfolio and a new directing staff (would he run the team Hilter-style?)

So much I want to write, but so little time. Blogging from work takes the fun out of thoughts organizing- I might try to do a better job next month. Stay tuned, lovies.

Below are a couple of Valentine's Day stuffs from mon beau, and a dress... Oh , there is a black one I didnt get to post. But you'd see if often enough in my Facebook cos I wore it rather aplenty. May be travelling again in May.

bouquet of champagne roses....

Elizabeth Arden's "Provocative Women" perfume

my first ever cream-colored dress.

2009-01-24T06:21:00.000-08:00

Title: The Turns of the Centuries

Dear Diary

welcome into a brand new month of 2009. This short journey of 25 days till date has not been a bed of roses, but I shall not elaborate. All I shall highlight on is that I have came to understand the values of taking guardianship over someone; and I may have to bear some guilt over what I did to another one. Time shall unravel more.

There have also been lots of preparations for the upcoming festivities. It comes around the same time every year, but keep guessing. And no, it's not Mardi Gras- I would love to collect beads were it Mardi Gras. There were clothes to shop for, but not costumes and feather masks; there might be music throughout, but there would not be dancing in the streets. There would be food, but I welcome the break more than anything else. For the same reasons, I have not been home much lately.

I can finally take some days to stay in, avoid the crowd, and just write. Nothing keeps me more happy than having undulated hours to myself, lost in my tales, researching on facts at the same time to support my tales, and create what might be read by others someday. I have another project I want to work on but currently, with my evening classes commencing soon, I have to put the latter project on hold. I hope I will be strong enough to fulfill my desires, all in the good name of Art.

There is a certain problem with me, I suppose, that has recently been highlighted by friends.....and that is the inability to recognize myself the way others view me. And by that I do not mean to view my character or how I carry myself, but mere physical outlook. For some reason, my mirrors keep telling me that my face is round and that my eyes are getting smaller. it is the same with color tones - I can never see the darkness of my makeup regardless of the brightness of my surroundings. I love the dark eyeshadow plus red lips look. I have recently been told that my face is sharp/heart-shaped and I have huge eyes. Leaving me in a confused state, but solutions seem to be blurred.

it is just the same case of how I always tend to perceive myself as "rounded" but I am being told I am slim by many. To play safe, I am still sticking to my hopefully-meagre diet and nightly exercise/yoga practices. I am not anorexic - at least I still enjoy the finer food in life - but lately I picked up a new term that I deem rather befitting of my state - Nearlyrexic. Yes. Ponder on that.

Below are dresses I intend to wear for the festivities and some new reads. One of the dresses was obtained last month but I never found occasion to wear it - a white dress with black and blue prints and clear crystal buttons; the other dress is a violet-and-black gingham dress with a slanted, ruffled hemline.